Thursday, May 17, 2012
2012 has been a thrilling year thus far. I am overwhelmed by life lessons and the highs of yesterday have often haunted me with pain in the present. I have done lots of work within to forgive myself first for the mistakes and what I have done unknowingly. Each day I fight an internal battle and have to make a decision whether or not I give in or give myself over to a higher power and look to the heavens for all the answers. I am learning that the fear that haunts me are the same fears that have been lingering for a long time. Part of the healing process is for me to FORGIVE. FORGIVE and FORGIVE more and more. The process of forgiveness frees me and allows me to find the inner motivation, strength, and courage to PRESS. I press through my tears and reach deep into my soul emptying and sorting through the garbage that and the stench that clings to the very core of me. I have to scrape the memories, the pains, the embarrassments, the hurt, the deep sorrow off me until I can see the joy the lies uncovered and hidden beneath the filth, guilt, and grit. I have to be truthful with myself everyday. No longer can I ignore the urges within and when my heart beats faster I commit to breathe. I commit to see God in everything and in everyone.......
Monday, May 16, 2011
PROUD
When I heard Pastor Mike from FCBC preach a sermon about being a "Finisher," I ran out of church knowing what calling that God had placed upon my heart. On that day, I was called to audition for the Vagina Monologues. I had the option or waiting until Monday but after hearing that sermon,
HUNNEY! Today was the day! Without hesitation or delay, I was there on Sunday afternoon auditioning. The very next day at 9am, I received a call back. And within less than a week, the director called me telling me that I had landed the role. I was ecstatic! I knew a long time ago that I wanted to be an a successful actress and humanitarian and I would make a tremendous contribution to this world. I thank God and Pastor Mike everyday for renewing and restoring that zeal and faith in myself and my gifts.
Ever since the March 31, 2010, I have been searching all over for auditions, opportunities, any leads that will lead me back to the places I belong; on the stage, on the screen, on the radio. I know I need to be in the ears and eyes, hearts and minds of people. I can no longer hide from myself and others.
And trust me ever step of the way, I have had to push past some of those fears that still hide in the crevices of my mind. Sometimes, I would have my heart set on something and in less than a minute I would torment myself as to why it can't happen or won't happen. This was a scary place to be because it is usually the darkest places in my mind, where I replay all the negative things anyone has ever said or done to me. Then, after I take in all of that, here comes the clincher. This is the moment, when I think to myself that my initial heartfelt idea was the stupidest thing that I could even imagine. I start feeling embarrassed that I am thinking of myself in such a healthy and positive way. I can recite the line from the movie, Carrie, "They're all going to laugh at you." The instant I say those words, I feel a big lump in my chest burning and stinging. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I'm powerless, so I repeat it again, "They're all going to laugh at you." YUCK! Once, I have gone through that cycle I think about God and all the things he has done for me. All of the blessing and I start to find some courage and strength and more truth. I get real with myself and admit, "I am the root of this evil." So I tell myself, "No excuses, I am a FINISHER." I have to continue to walk in my divination and the path God has set out for me.
I am happy to say, in this time between my last blog I have accomplished so much. I took new head shots, learned new monologues, created a website, and I joined Actor's Equity Association. (Joining AEA was something I could have done a long time ago. I can't even tell you why I haven't until now). And those are just the things that pertain to my acting business. There is so much more. None of this would have been possible without God and the team of amazing people that God had placed in my life. They encourage, guide, and believe in not only my gifts but in their own calling and gifts. It feels so good to be surrounded by a group of people, a group of warriors, who are also bold enough to aspire for greatness.
And just like that Sunday in February, this weekend was just another example of how God called me to a new vision (his vision) and I fulfilled it.
In early April, I was searching Backstage on-line and I came across this 48 hour film contest. I really loved the challenge and thought this is something my team would be interested in. I made one phone call to my filmmaker director and beloved friend Linette Lucas and it was done. Linette and I worked hard to secure all the things that were necessary to make this competition a success and we were determined to win. The more we told people about it the more interested they became and they all wanted to be a part of it if they could. And trust My GLAM SQUAD was in full effect.
We had every thing in place, however in this competition you are not given a script beforehand. We have no idea what the 10 minute film will be about. All participants are given the subject matter on Friday at 7pm and the film must be completely edited and submitted by Sunday at 7pm. So here we were walking blindly, entering a 48 film contest, not knowing the subject, there was no script. All I could think of was the words that P.J. Gibson, world renowned African-American woman playwright, who was also my Black Theater professor in graduate school said to all of us, "BE READY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET READY. " These words came alive in me and they certainly guided me through this process. We were ready! God was was with us! We were prepared! I was ready to do something I'd never done before and to claim VICTORY before we begun!
This process was challenging and rewarding all at the same time. The time limit really was the gift for all us. It really tested your creativity, willingness, and it certainly was an instant cure for diva or divo syndrome. HUNNEY! We had no time for meltdowns, power struggles, or pretentiousness. Linette, the director would say every so often, " Be Down or Lay Down." In some instances, that is exactly what happened. If you were a crew member or an actor and you weren't being used sometimes folks would just lay down. They'd lay down until they were called.
Linette, didn't have an ounce of sleep. Linette was up for the full 48hours. The editor, Joaquin and the co-writer, Michael were up for a full 24 hours. I think I stayed awake for at least 20 hours. And the only reason why I laid down was because I was told to. Like I said, "I was obedient." They needed me to sleep while they reviewed raw footage and wrote the dialogue. They wanted my voice to be well rested for the narration and voice-over.
I was the star of the film and you know being the star comes with huge responsibility and trust me I learned so much. I am so grateful for this entire experience. (Now, I know why many actors produce their own films or at least co-produce it makes a lot of sense.) We didn't stop shooting until about 2am. I drove the crew around from Jersey through Manhattan to Queens and then to Brooklyn, we were determined to find the perfect location, the perfect shot, and it was up to me to deliver the perfect performance.
Sunday, May 15 at 5:00pm the film was finished and ready to be submitted. The editor and the producer were leaving Brooklyn headed back to Queens to submit the film. Linette and I left Brooklyn and headed back to Manhattan. By the end we were terribly exhausted, all we could do between the 6 of us who were left was some high-fiving and hugging.
HUNNEY! Today was the day! Without hesitation or delay, I was there on Sunday afternoon auditioning. The very next day at 9am, I received a call back. And within less than a week, the director called me telling me that I had landed the role. I was ecstatic! I knew a long time ago that I wanted to be an a successful actress and humanitarian and I would make a tremendous contribution to this world. I thank God and Pastor Mike everyday for renewing and restoring that zeal and faith in myself and my gifts.
Ever since the March 31, 2010, I have been searching all over for auditions, opportunities, any leads that will lead me back to the places I belong; on the stage, on the screen, on the radio. I know I need to be in the ears and eyes, hearts and minds of people. I can no longer hide from myself and others.
And trust me ever step of the way, I have had to push past some of those fears that still hide in the crevices of my mind. Sometimes, I would have my heart set on something and in less than a minute I would torment myself as to why it can't happen or won't happen. This was a scary place to be because it is usually the darkest places in my mind, where I replay all the negative things anyone has ever said or done to me. Then, after I take in all of that, here comes the clincher. This is the moment, when I think to myself that my initial heartfelt idea was the stupidest thing that I could even imagine. I start feeling embarrassed that I am thinking of myself in such a healthy and positive way. I can recite the line from the movie, Carrie, "They're all going to laugh at you." The instant I say those words, I feel a big lump in my chest burning and stinging. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I'm powerless, so I repeat it again, "They're all going to laugh at you." YUCK! Once, I have gone through that cycle I think about God and all the things he has done for me. All of the blessing and I start to find some courage and strength and more truth. I get real with myself and admit, "I am the root of this evil." So I tell myself, "No excuses, I am a FINISHER." I have to continue to walk in my divination and the path God has set out for me.
I am happy to say, in this time between my last blog I have accomplished so much. I took new head shots, learned new monologues, created a website, and I joined Actor's Equity Association. (Joining AEA was something I could have done a long time ago. I can't even tell you why I haven't until now). And those are just the things that pertain to my acting business. There is so much more. None of this would have been possible without God and the team of amazing people that God had placed in my life. They encourage, guide, and believe in not only my gifts but in their own calling and gifts. It feels so good to be surrounded by a group of people, a group of warriors, who are also bold enough to aspire for greatness.
And just like that Sunday in February, this weekend was just another example of how God called me to a new vision (his vision) and I fulfilled it.
In early April, I was searching Backstage on-line and I came across this 48 hour film contest. I really loved the challenge and thought this is something my team would be interested in. I made one phone call to my filmmaker director and beloved friend Linette Lucas and it was done. Linette and I worked hard to secure all the things that were necessary to make this competition a success and we were determined to win. The more we told people about it the more interested they became and they all wanted to be a part of it if they could. And trust My GLAM SQUAD was in full effect.
We had every thing in place, however in this competition you are not given a script beforehand. We have no idea what the 10 minute film will be about. All participants are given the subject matter on Friday at 7pm and the film must be completely edited and submitted by Sunday at 7pm. So here we were walking blindly, entering a 48 film contest, not knowing the subject, there was no script. All I could think of was the words that P.J. Gibson, world renowned African-American woman playwright, who was also my Black Theater professor in graduate school said to all of us, "BE READY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET READY. " These words came alive in me and they certainly guided me through this process. We were ready! God was was with us! We were prepared! I was ready to do something I'd never done before and to claim VICTORY before we begun!
This process was challenging and rewarding all at the same time. The time limit really was the gift for all us. It really tested your creativity, willingness, and it certainly was an instant cure for diva or divo syndrome. HUNNEY! We had no time for meltdowns, power struggles, or pretentiousness. Linette, the director would say every so often, " Be Down or Lay Down." In some instances, that is exactly what happened. If you were a crew member or an actor and you weren't being used sometimes folks would just lay down. They'd lay down until they were called.
Linette, didn't have an ounce of sleep. Linette was up for the full 48hours. The editor, Joaquin and the co-writer, Michael were up for a full 24 hours. I think I stayed awake for at least 20 hours. And the only reason why I laid down was because I was told to. Like I said, "I was obedient." They needed me to sleep while they reviewed raw footage and wrote the dialogue. They wanted my voice to be well rested for the narration and voice-over.
I was the star of the film and you know being the star comes with huge responsibility and trust me I learned so much. I am so grateful for this entire experience. (Now, I know why many actors produce their own films or at least co-produce it makes a lot of sense.) We didn't stop shooting until about 2am. I drove the crew around from Jersey through Manhattan to Queens and then to Brooklyn, we were determined to find the perfect location, the perfect shot, and it was up to me to deliver the perfect performance.
Sunday, May 15 at 5:00pm the film was finished and ready to be submitted. The editor and the producer were leaving Brooklyn headed back to Queens to submit the film. Linette and I left Brooklyn and headed back to Manhattan. By the end we were terribly exhausted, all we could do between the 6 of us who were left was some high-fiving and hugging.
We were happy to be FINISHERS
Standing in awe of what we created!
And although we didn't say much,
I knew we all felt the same way,
"PROUD."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Enough Foolish Thinking
It's been nothing but uphill since the show on March 31, 2011. I feel stronger than I ever have in a long time. I know that all things are possible through God and I know no matter what I can never give up on myself. There is so much power and possibility within me and my prayer is to stay focused, be patient, and continue to fuel my vision.
The secret places that I have suppressed are being exposed and doubt doesn't live here anymore. The clutter is clearing and the trash is being thrown out. I've never thought that giving practically all of my wardrobe to a worthy charity would feel so good! I can give and not be afraid of being without. I am never without with God. I was so afraid of giving something away for fear I'd never be able to replace it. Never truly believing that maybe God's plan was not for me to replace. Replacing is simply getting back exactly what you gave away. Never truly believing that God could breathe new life within me. Selfishly and foolishly hoarding and holding on to things that really were never mine to keep. Thinking that I can only obtain the things that I can see with no regards to God and his divine design for me. Besides, all these goods are perishable, flammable and to think I thought having so many things meant I was prepared, I was ready. But how? While I might have been ready, how fast and far could I go carrying all this weight on my back?
I feel lighter now, so much lighter. I can finally close my closet doors. Doors that were closeted are now closing. Which means that these closets were always opened. In fact, what I thought I was hiding was never really hidden, especially if I could see them and I knew they were there. So, who did I think I was hiding them from? Hmm....Why was I playing a game of hide-and-go-seek and it's only me?
I never thought I would be smiling singing a new song entitled, " I'm Worthy....God Loves Me....I Can Forgive.. I am Free." This is the time in my life that I can truly say, "What's next? I'm Ready God..Blow My Mind! I am so grateful.
Next on the horizon new head shots, new union status, entering a film competition, audition, and get the part. Land the role of a lifetime!
The secret places that I have suppressed are being exposed and doubt doesn't live here anymore. The clutter is clearing and the trash is being thrown out. I've never thought that giving practically all of my wardrobe to a worthy charity would feel so good! I can give and not be afraid of being without. I am never without with God. I was so afraid of giving something away for fear I'd never be able to replace it. Never truly believing that maybe God's plan was not for me to replace. Replacing is simply getting back exactly what you gave away. Never truly believing that God could breathe new life within me. Selfishly and foolishly hoarding and holding on to things that really were never mine to keep. Thinking that I can only obtain the things that I can see with no regards to God and his divine design for me. Besides, all these goods are perishable, flammable and to think I thought having so many things meant I was prepared, I was ready. But how? While I might have been ready, how fast and far could I go carrying all this weight on my back?
I feel lighter now, so much lighter. I can finally close my closet doors. Doors that were closeted are now closing. Which means that these closets were always opened. In fact, what I thought I was hiding was never really hidden, especially if I could see them and I knew they were there. So, who did I think I was hiding them from? Hmm....Why was I playing a game of hide-and-go-seek and it's only me?
I never thought I would be smiling singing a new song entitled, " I'm Worthy....God Loves Me....I Can Forgive.. I am Free." This is the time in my life that I can truly say, "What's next? I'm Ready God..Blow My Mind! I am so grateful.
Next on the horizon new head shots, new union status, entering a film competition, audition, and get the part. Land the role of a lifetime!
Enough foolish thinking!
I already see it!
And God you already know what it is!
We can do this!
We will do this!
It's done!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Praying Through It
Here is another Saturday and the sun is shining. I have so many things to be grateful for and I know I am blessed. Inside I'm crying out, "pick me, choose me, I'm ready." There is so much anxiety I'm feeling right now. I'm overwhelmed, restless, and disengaged with anything that doesn't point me in the direction of my acting goals. I don't know what's next and I want more major opportunities for exposure and to shine. I'm feeling so anxious and tired of fighting off feelings of discouragement. The cycle of self-submitting myself for projects, joining websites, paying for opportunities to be considered, planning to take new head shots, going back to Bikram Yoga because I need to find a peaceful center, and it's always a good idea to lose some weight .....this is OVERWHELMING. The more I want, the more I am able to identify places for growth and improvement. I know I can be better, do better, feel better, look better and I don't know what is blocking me from the better I want to be. I feel like I am on the brink of a meltdown. Honestly, these feelings are not new. These are the feelings that I don't enjoy revisiting. These are the feelings that in the past have stolen my joy and have taken me years to overcome. I know now that I didn't have the skills back then. I wasn't equipped. My relationship with God was shattered I couldn't find God within me. I have to get my positivity level up. I am feeling one-quarter of a tank away till I'm empty. Yes, I'm feeling a little low today. This dream I have is interesting because it requires a team of players. This team will either be comprised of people that I have yet to meet or by a select group of people I have already met. These are my thoughts, but I know God has his own thoughts and his special ways. Maybe, it's not a team at all that I need. Maybe, I am my own team. I don't know. Thinking about my future is really making it hard for me to enjoy today and this moment. I got to get moving, get outside, and smell the April chill. I got to stay up and stay prayed up. I know God is working so I got to smile and pray through it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My Feet Have Not Touched The Ground
Time has passed since March 31, 2011, the opening and closing of my show, and my feet have not touched the ground. If I could, I would live in that moment forever. That memory can never be erased.
Now every trailer I see, every billboard I pass, I envision me. This is where I want to be every second of the day.
If I had it my way I'd begin my day with Bikram Yoga, breakfast and then off to a movie set, photo shoot, magazine interview, radio interview, television talk show, rehearsals, business meetings, and charitable events. My days and evening would be lived out pursuing my possibilities--being what God has designed me to be.
Oh God, can't wait to see what is next! I don't have an agent so I have to search the trades and submit myself every day. I would love to have an agent helping me that is something that I have never had. All the roles that I have landed I found them. Yes, I've done mailings and gone about pursuing the work in a traditional ways to find an agent but that is not where I have had the success. I am sure there are ways that I haven't thought of and I am welcome to all suggestions and advice.
Honestly, I am not discouraged. I have no time to be. I know I am blessed to be where I am right now. Excited, happy, smiling, and hopeful about my future. I've been here before after a gig is over, not knowing where the next opportunity to perform would be, except this time my belief in God is stronger than ever before.
I'm planning to take new head shots to make a brighter me! This is the me that I have always wanted to be. I'm free. I'm the me that is not afraid of taking risks and enjoying my own success!
Manifest!
Now every trailer I see, every billboard I pass, I envision me. This is where I want to be every second of the day.
If I had it my way I'd begin my day with Bikram Yoga, breakfast and then off to a movie set, photo shoot, magazine interview, radio interview, television talk show, rehearsals, business meetings, and charitable events. My days and evening would be lived out pursuing my possibilities--being what God has designed me to be.
Oh God, can't wait to see what is next! I don't have an agent so I have to search the trades and submit myself every day. I would love to have an agent helping me that is something that I have never had. All the roles that I have landed I found them. Yes, I've done mailings and gone about pursuing the work in a traditional ways to find an agent but that is not where I have had the success. I am sure there are ways that I haven't thought of and I am welcome to all suggestions and advice.
Honestly, I am not discouraged. I have no time to be. I know I am blessed to be where I am right now. Excited, happy, smiling, and hopeful about my future. I've been here before after a gig is over, not knowing where the next opportunity to perform would be, except this time my belief in God is stronger than ever before.
I'm planning to take new head shots to make a brighter me! This is the me that I have always wanted to be. I'm free. I'm the me that is not afraid of taking risks and enjoying my own success!
Manifest!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Never Before Had I Seen a Butterfly Smile
Last night, I couldn't have had a better dream, couldn't have made it any sweeter, wouldn't have it any other way! God's love was all over me. My PASTORS came and that was an incredible surprise. Their bible teachings about God have deeply touched, changed, and filled my life. They were sitting side by side joined with a host of loving family members and my closest friends. There was a sweet, sweet spirit in that place and I was at peace. The preparation was my meditation. My Glam Squad had arrived.
The entire performance was like a long incantation and a prayer. As we sat backstage reflecting on this creative process and our individual performances we found moments to exchange. It felt so natural for us to cozy up together standing and sitting in the only dressing room. We filled every moment we could in our final hours together, and took each other and everything around us in.
We were so thrilled to be on Broadway! Flashing lights, Gigantic billboard signs, we knew it was only a matter of time before our names would be lit up in magnificent lights. I was so filled with emotion that I just wanted to dance! And backstage: I did, I danced, twirled and waved my arms in praise!
We shared unique stories about womanhood, our belief in God, and our desire to walk in God's will and way. In essence, we were all saying the same things. We had a dying need to connect, to be delivered, and to survive. Needless to say, we spent precious time. We fought back our tears so we wouldn't ruin our makeup and found new ways to smile. And what I remember most, is the countless hugs that we held for a long time. I knew in my heart we'd be together again; until then we'll wait on God's time.
Yes, the butterflies glided in one by one finding their seats quietly. Before I knew it there was a zillion butterflies sitting in a symmetrical line. They did not flutter their wings. They were still. Their seating arrangement reminded me of a receiving line. And though I was humbled by their presence and so grateful that they came; They didn't come to rescue to me. They came to celebrate. It was my special day. I was the bride. The butterflies stared proudly: colors sparkling, radiating bursts of sunlight. I could see their eyes. I could see me in their eyes. Never before had I seen a butterfly smile. They were smiling my reflection, illuminating wondrous majesty, assurance and grace. And their smiles excited me!
Finally, the beauty that I see lives within me.
Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my beauty!
Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my delicacy!
The entire performance was like a long incantation and a prayer. As we sat backstage reflecting on this creative process and our individual performances we found moments to exchange. It felt so natural for us to cozy up together standing and sitting in the only dressing room. We filled every moment we could in our final hours together, and took each other and everything around us in.
We were so thrilled to be on Broadway! Flashing lights, Gigantic billboard signs, we knew it was only a matter of time before our names would be lit up in magnificent lights. I was so filled with emotion that I just wanted to dance! And backstage: I did, I danced, twirled and waved my arms in praise!
We shared unique stories about womanhood, our belief in God, and our desire to walk in God's will and way. In essence, we were all saying the same things. We had a dying need to connect, to be delivered, and to survive. Needless to say, we spent precious time. We fought back our tears so we wouldn't ruin our makeup and found new ways to smile. And what I remember most, is the countless hugs that we held for a long time. I knew in my heart we'd be together again; until then we'll wait on God's time.
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