Never Before Had I Seen a Butterfly Smile

Last night, I couldn't have had a better dream, couldn't have made it any sweeter, wouldn't have it any other way!   God's love was all over me. My PASTORS came and that was an incredible surprise. Their bible teachings about God have deeply touched, changed,  and filled  my life. They were sitting side by side joined with a host of loving family members and my closest friends. There was a sweet, sweet spirit in that place and I was at peace. The preparation was my meditation.  My Glam Squad  had arrived.

Yes, the butterflies glided in one by one finding their seats quietly. Before I knew it there was a zillion butterflies sitting in a symmetrical line.  They did not flutter their wings. They were still. Their seating arrangement reminded me of a receiving line. And though I was humbled by their presence and so grateful that they came; They didn't come to rescue to me. They came to celebrate. It was my special day. I was the bride.  The butterflies stared proudly: colors sparkling, radiating bursts of sunlight.  I could see their eyes. I could see me in their eyes. Never before had I seen a  butterfly smile. They were smiling my reflection, illuminating wondrous majesty, assurance and grace. And their smiles excited me! 

Finally, the beauty that I see lives within me. 

Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my beauty! 

Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my delicacy!

The entire performance was like a long  incantation and a prayer.  As we sat backstage reflecting on this creative process and our individual performances we found moments to exchange. It felt so natural for us to cozy up  together standing and sitting in the only dressing room. We filled every moment we could in our final hours together, and took each other and everything around us in.

We were so thrilled to be on Broadway! Flashing lights, Gigantic billboard signs, we knew it was only a matter of time before our names would be lit up in magnificent lights. I was so filled with emotion that I just wanted to dance! And backstage: I did, I danced, twirled and waved my arms in praise!

We shared  unique stories about womanhood, our belief in God, and our desire to walk in God's will and way. In essence, we were all saying the same things. We had a dying need to connect, to be delivered, and to survive. Needless to say, we spent precious time.  We fought back our tears so we wouldn't ruin our makeup and found new ways to smile. And what I remember most,  is the countless hugs that we held for a long time. I knew in my heart we'd be together again; until then we'll wait on God's time.

TODAY IS THE DAY

Pray with me and for me and allow God to use me to give him all the glory.

I am blessed, overjoyed, amazed, humbled, grateful, in awe

I KNOW WHO I AM  

 WHO GOD HAS CALLED ME TO BE 

Overwhelmed knowing all decisions, choices, consequences and challenges that I faced and overcame; and all the life-experiences I have had were carefully crafted and constructed. 

Masterfully designed preparing me and shaping me; I was made for this day.  

 God has brought me out of so much darkness, doubt, guilt, fear, and pain and I know I feel lighter, my smile has gotten much brighter, and I am singing new songs of praise. 

I THANK GOD FOR THE JOURNEY 

I AM READY, I AM READY 

I AM READY 

MANIFEST WITHIN ME

 POWER TO 

LOVE, FORGIVE

HEAL

TRANSFORM, AND TRANSCEND

I AM READY, I AM READY 

I AM READY 

 EMBARRASS ME WITH YOUR LOVE 

1 DAY AWAY AND I AM GRATEFUL

To my Transformation Team, 

Those who will be at the theater supporting me. I am so excited to see you! 

Your love is humbling. 

Tomorrow night we ALL SHINE! You are ALL STARS journeying with me. 

You have touched my life in authentic and special ways. 

I thank God for you. You make me better.

What makes it sweeter is that I am finally bringing you all together. 

Tomorrow, 

I CELEBRATE YOU!

Love Always,

Erika

2 DAYS AWAY IT IS MY SEASON, IT IS MY TIME

Today was one of those day where I know spirit was led me. I was able to accomplish more than ever. Although, I appear to be a multitasker, I really don't think so. Every task that I carry out has to be well-thought out and executed and I give each task its proper attention.  I try my best to leave little room for  errors with just enough to revise. See, I've learned some valuable lessons about about not taking "Erika Time".  That was one of the notes that was given to me during the tech rehearsal, "you felt rushed, take your time." 

"Erika Time" has been established since college days although I know there were patterns developing during pre-adolescents.  What I began to notice was there were specific things I needed in order to prepare for anything--whether it was getting ready for a party at the Malcolm X Center, hosting a (DST) sorority event, chairing a Social Chair meeting for the Black Student Alliance, or handing in a written final exam. I know to some extent that we all have our rehearsed rituals and methods that work for us and set us up for success. 

And yet, somehow, in college and even now I fee bad and a little guilty like I don't think I deserve, "Erika Time."  People tend to call it eccentricity, being an actor, being a drama Queen, being an angry Black woman, having high anxiety and I somehowI decided deep inside that other people were right. Maybe, I was "EXTRA." Besides, when I looked around some people thought I was hilarious and just accepted me but there were those who seemed to be uncomfortable and bothered by me or at least appear to be.  And you know, I was feeling this a little today at rehearsal. Like I was asking for things that others didn't ask for but I had to ask it/ or at the very least voice it and in doing so everyone was annoyed but also relieved cause they wanted to ask too. It did bring about more clarity. You feel me!  

I know that when I was in college I did my best to set my schedule up to have classes in the late morning around ten and eleven.  Since, I majored in theater at Smith College all most all my theater classes were in the afternoon after 1pm.   This really worked for me because nine am was also the time when our housekeeper came to clean the bathroom and showers. And so the housekeeper knew my schedule, when she arrived on my floor I would always say good morning and she'd knock on my door and let me know that she'd prepared a clean shower and clean stall.  I always thanked her and we had lovely exchanges. 

We shared lots about lives and she was assigned to our house for at least two years. We got to know each other very well, I remember she had a son.  Everyone in the house, knew that I we had this close relationship.  Everyone knew my schedule, knew she knew my schedule, and everyone knew that she did what she did for me.  And no one said anything to me personally but I would get some glaring looks. I was always trying to figure it out; was it because she was a White housekeeper and I was Black or was it something else?   Every time I played this dynamic in my head I thought, "I hope that this is not the case and it better not be because last time I checked I'm one of the few people in this house that speak to her and acknowledge her, and have a conversation. Please you'll better yourselves together."  I'm thinking, I am sure that if they were in the house at nine in the morning and wanted to know when the showers and stalls were clean they could find out too.  I learned so much about this woman and her family and she knew all about me.  I didn't think of her like a peer or servant at all.  To me, she was a nurturer. I looked forward to our conversations.  She was a blessing; she made me feel at home away from home.  The wonderful thing about her and why I remember her so vividly is that she was more concerned and asked me about how I was feeling rather than what I was doing. 

I had similar experiences with the cooking staff at Smith. Sometimes, I would wander into the kitchen and kick it with the cooks. I remember walking in the house and smelling something delicious and I wanted to know what they were making.  Sometimes, if they noticed that I wasn't feeling the food they'd inquire and prepare it in a different way or make a dish special for me. I could always run into the kitchen when I wanted and they let me make a snack. It was only two of us that I knew of me and my best-friend from college Michele who had this closeness with the cooking staff.  And everybody knew Michele loved ice-cream and she could eat it everyday at every meal.  Michele knew exactly where they kept it too.  There was this one time, during finals and it looked like the entire house was doing "all-nighters."  Michele snuck in to the kitchen and took out gallons and gallons of ice cream. It was ice cream for all.  And I know Michele ate a gallon of ice cream all by herself. The next morning when the kitchen staff found out there all the ice cream was gone. They were laughing because they knew who it was Michele, "Beauty Queen" that's what she called herself.  Michele didn't have to lie or hide or say anything because she was so sick. But it was all love because we were at home, this was our home for  four years and they made us feel special. 

Then somewhere I started to doubt whether or not I worthy. Was I worthy of all these blessings surrounding me?  Was I worthy?  I loved these people I had drew into my circle who I was forming nurturing healthy relationships with and they loved me.  Did they love me? Did they love me because I   special or because I was"special" you know the kind of person we call "special" who have mental challenges.  Did I have a mental challenge? Was my connectedness somehow synonymous with neediness and needing to cast people into roles that they didn't know existed? 

I started to ask myself to a series of questions to try to understand myself and straighten this all out.  Question number one:  Did the housekeeper really knock on your door or is that how you need to remember it?  Question one clarified: I mean, it could haven't been easy for you-- attending a small, all women's, predominantly white Ivy-League Liberal Arts college, in Northampton, Massachusetts.  So what I am asking is, is this what you needed to survive to feel you belong and you matter in an environment where you obviously were different, felt out of place, and inferior?   Question number two:  Was this housekeeper, these cooks, and the others you remember in your life simply who made you feel "at home" just doing their jobs or taking pride in their jobs and demonstrating excellent customer service?  You know doing what it takes to make you feel like a true "Smithie"?  Question number two with a twist: Did these people secretly need to keep their customer satisfaction rating extremely high for fear they would lose their jobs?  Question number three: Did the housekeeper you describe really clean showers and stalls for you?  I answer myself sheepishly, "Well, I guess no; not just for me but for everybody body, I guess." 

And since those questions and answers were making me uneasy I thought up new ones and drummed up a rather interesting debate. I was trying to decide if this strong urge to do things "my way" grew out of typical adolescent rebellion or was it because I hated for anyone to tell me what to do.  Then, I came to this realization which really helped me to establish some of the core principals of "Erika's Time." I recognized that telling me what to do or how to do something was not the problem at all.  Often, I need  a blue print or at least an outline for implementation. What I have learned is I have to honor my process that I have for preparing for any process to happen.  It's as if I have these internal and external needs that only I can fulfill in order to be open, positive, and patient. It's learning to have patience with me. 

Patience with me is so important.  Inside of me is this tiny critic.  I'm not sure of its gender but I do know that this person is very short in stature because when it talks to me it has to use a stepping stool, pull it up to this huge podium and hop to stand on it.  This critic is so short legged that even with the stepping stool you can barely see it's lips.  But, you can see that giant head and those piercing eyes that squint sometimes when he/she talks.  This tiny critic shouts with a booming voice, and uses its' hands a lot when it talks.  This tinycritic pumps their right hand in the air and loves to point that index finger in your direction. This tiny critic shocks and strikes the podium with it's left to emphasize a point.  And how this tiny critic became a public speaker concerns me because they really aren't very good.  This tiny critic yells the entire lecture.  It rants and raves and has the nerve to call you out never really saying your name per se  just shouting the word "YOU" repeatedly.  The whole lecture is full of,  "You Talk" belittling and berating behind the podium.   And sometimes, the lectures don't go on for very long.  Sometimes, the lecturer has very few words, or statements but they almost always begin with "you."  What kills me is as soon as the lecture is over this tiny tot hops down off the stool and disappears.  This critic has the nerve to be a coward. This tiny critic makes sure they are no where to be found.  There is no forum to ask questions or give feedback. Nope, not a PO BOX, email address, cell phone number, not even a lousy drop box.  I always leave this lecture disempowered, confused, angry and feeling worse than I came.  This is torture, why do I continue to go? I wonder has anyone that I know been there too?  

The more and more I think about it,  the tiny critic is a man and he wears a grey suit. And the podium is made of wood and it is draped with a burgundy cloth. And I can see now that we are actually in a church but there are no signs of the holy cross anywhere and no bibles anywhere. Yep, this is a storefront church that was once a brownstone. Now, I can see that I am not the only person in there listening to the lecture. After the lecture they seem be fine and unscathed.  During the lecture I sometimes look around to watch others reactions.  I notice them all staring steadfast and nodding their heads in agreement.  No one ever claps, shouts, or calls out. The five attendees and I make six, we all sit there politely in a civilized manner. Then we listen and leave silently in an orderly fashion. No one looks at each other.  Sometimes, I try to make eye contact hoping to read an expression, to evoke empathy compassion, or maybe even a hint of a smile. I get nothing and no response. Everyone turns away and avoids looking in my direction or looking up.  I wouldn't say that they are rude or impolite just distant.  I always feel isolated, alone, and I want to speak but I don't. I want to smile but it feels like a waste. I give up just don't want to be ostracized for speaking up.  

It's been a few months since I've been back to those lectures and seeing the tiny little man.  But, he is still very fresh in my memory. And you know he pops up in my mind. Yeah, you know I think he has a Skype account.  He sees me online and decides let me see if she will answer my call. What does he want?  I see my choices, accept or decline. Without hesitation, I click " decline."  At times I think I am having deja vu and I will see someone who I think are the other 5 people who were at the lecture.  I am not sure because I don't recognize their faces. It's only the energy that I feel when I think they've passed me that leaves a familiar trace.  I sometimes wonder will this tiny critic ever go away.  Is it possible for him to grow; evolve, change?  Maybe he has grown a little talker. I haven't been back so I don't know. All I know is I can't go back, not now. It's not the time.  

Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3 verses 1-8 was a quoted often in my household when I grew up. 

It reads: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes+3&version=KJV

 1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Two days away before my play and now I can really understand the Ecclesiastian writer more than ever before. I think there was a time where I stopped at verse 8 and said,  "Oh, I get it. Life is all about time; it is what it is!"  Hmm, now I see why I was attending those lectures so frequently.  No shade, I really did think it was speaking to my possibility and what was best for.   But thank you God for Tuesday and me having these conversations with me about me.  Leaving tech rehearsal I was a disheveled wreck.  I felt rushed and under rehearsed I was frustrated and I cried alone on the street.  I called my Transformation Circle at once for support and to pray with me.  I was stressing and thinking about all my "to do list" and about how I  have to prepare to make it all go perfect: the hair, the dress, the toes, the makeup, the dress.  Please, I can get caught up if I want to and make that my everything. But, thank God for the Holy Spirit for calling me out and telling me to reread those verses 1-8 and keep reading past verse 8 and come on down to verse 15!  Continuing reading: 

9What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

 10I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

 11He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

 12I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

 13And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

 14I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

 15That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

I continued to read down to verse 15 and I found ME. Two days away and there is more to be revealed.  

 IT IS MY SEASON, IT IS "ERIKA TIME"

3 DAYS AWAY BRING ON THE BUTTERFLIES

Today, is BUTTERFLIES DAY!  

There is so much last minute fear living in me!  And I know I feel CRAZY!   I am so ecstatic about my friends and family supporting me.  The warm embrace feels so good and I am SMILING MORE OFTEN THAN EVER!   At this very moment I think I have at least thirty-people confirmed that are coming to my show.  I feel so blessed, proud and special. Then the very next moment, I am terrified! What is everyone expecting to see?  What if I disappoint them? What if they are smiling out of politeness?  OOh, that would be a disaster, a nightmare! Then I tell myself, STOP IT! STOP IT!  THIS PERFORMANCE IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

No matter what people say, "break a leg, knock em dead, rock that sh#*, do your thang, you go girl!" Uh uh, that all just sets me up for SHADE!  And I find myself going there, down there to the negative dwelling place.  And why do I want to go there? The more I fight it I start to tear and break.  That force is powerful. I try to shake it off but old pains and fear just keep seeping in and I feel guilty and ashamed because I know I should be stronger than this.  Where is my faith?  What makes it worse is that I am not saying these things out loud. These are the words, thoughts, and visualizations,  I share with myself replaying in my head.  Now, my cries get louder and suddenly all these doors fly open sending raging winds of insecurity in pushing me out of the window and on to the ledge.

And just when I think it's over and the force is too great.....here comes a  swarm of a zillion BUTTERFLIES........Their elegance and beauty surround me, I am hypnotized by their fluttering wings. They lead me and I follow peacefully and I am under arrest. Perhaps I was already under surveillance and I was already caught.  This was just the perfect moment--- the time to take me into captive custody where they hold me and lay me to REST.  I get quiet, meditate, and wipe my eyes to pray.

In my mind, I am thinking what would have happened if those butterflies hadn't appeared. Now, I understand that having BUTTERFLIES before any performance is a really good thing. I think without these butterflies this, "show business and this entertainment game" can rush straight to my head leaving me or dead. So GOD please BRING ON those Beautiful, Bodacious, BUTTERFLIES!  I know now when they come it is the Holy Spirit reminding me God's is guiding me and he walks beside me.  We are one!

4 DAYS AWAY "I SMILE"

Today I woke up with the strong desire to go to church and praise God and give thanks.  I knew I needed to be surrounded by likeminded people who love and want to obey God. As I was preparing to leave the house I received a bright message from Meredith, my director of the play. This afternoon was our second ensemble rehearsal. I hadn't seen the entire cast of women since our first table read. I was so excited and anxious too. However, I knew this day had to begin with God. As far as I was concerned this was going to be God's day all day! I wrote Meredith a confirmation text that I was ready and prepared for rehearsal and that I was off to church to praise. I needed to say out loud to remind myself that I was surrendering and God was spearheading my day.

I arrived at church and took my seat shortly after the choir stood to sing their first song,
I Smile by Kirk Franklin. For almost the entire Praise and Worship,  I was standing on my feet!  Something about that song just touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I know that I do smile but I will admit not often enough. For many years, I've been told: I frown, look too serious, you're unapproachable, angry, evil, mean, disinterested, look like I don't play, I ain't taking no stuff, you want to fight, I'm mad, I'm sad, distant, and look like I'm throwing shade. While sometimes what was perceived was true, what many didn't understand is that I couldn't find enough reasons that could sustain my smile. My smile wasn't long enough for anyone to read. Honestly, my smile has been a burden to hold and I have developed a habit of smile flashing---quick, curt, calculated smirks.


"Today's a new day" as Kirk Franklin's song says.  This song was redeeming and it validates my life experiences. It really speaks to the reality that, in life there will be disappointments and things might not always go your way. When I think about it,  I have gotten so used to suffering heartaches and emotional trauma that I started to swallow my smile.  For the first time, I didn't swallow my smile. I let my smile overtake me. What I learned today is when I don't smile I'm giving up my power and faith in God.
God is always with me, making a way, preparing me, molding me, and maturing me for something greater.

Oooh, what a burden that lifted inside me hearing those words and that infectious melody.  It's no longer about the reasons and counting all the blessings that should make me forever happy and free.  Nah, forget that because that has never worked for me. Not interested in being guilted into smiling for "fear" I will be called, "ungrateful" nor am I going to grin from ear to ear to make others around me feel "comfortable "and prove that I am part of their team.  Nope, that rationale never worked for me; smile because it was the "right thing to do" or the "polite way act." And to tell you the truth, I've never understood or fully embraced the concept of being "politically correct."  YUCK.  I just don't see the point of trying to squeeze into mainstream and places I clearly don't fit; and if I don't fit what business do I have in maintaining status quo?  How does that benefit me?  HOW DOES MY SMILE COUNT?  Besides, I had always wanted to "keep it real" and only smile for smiling sake. I want to smile because I'm healed, healthy, happy, whole, and I am at peace because I am wealthy, prosperous and successful.

Hearing this song today and learning the words really changed my perspective.  I totally revised my narrative on smiling today.  These song lyrics really gave me new life and I felt my relationship with God deepen.   These are the two lines that helped open my eyes: one,  "You look so much better when you smile ..." and I know I've heard that before. I really never believed it, not really, and it didn't help hearing it in the same context. To me the phrase always sounded like a cheap pick up line, especially at the bodega.  It was just so hard to accept and believe and harder when the person saying those words was a total stranger but you know when I think about it, it's true no matter who says it or the circumstance.  Why was I fighting it ? For many reasons: because I could, to block, to dismiss, I was afraid.  Now, I see that is still not a good enough excuse?  How can I not look so much better when I smile?

God made me in his image and that smile is the light he has within me.  Finally, I understand what the song, This Little Light of Mine is all about.  I always thought the "light" they were describing was something internal not external.  But, now I am starting to see the divine connection and how smiling internally connects to the external physicality and how it projects on our faces and what we actually see.  I am starting to trace the flow of love from God to me. God's love embarrasses me; floods me with joy, my laugh lines curl, my cheek bones swerve, my lips spread, my teeth shine, my eyes twinkle and sparkle no matter if it's day or night. This is all by God's intricate design. And no one smiles like me. It's mine and God gave it to me. God is living in me. I am beauty. When I smile, God's love illuminates in me.

And the other lyrics that gives me chills reads, " I know God is working so I SMILE." And it can't get any clearer than that.  This song felt so good me and to us all. I could feel, see it, and I felt it when I greeted people and gave them hugs. The choirs sung this song three times. The sanctuary was rocking with this renewed and revitalized spirit. It reminded me, no matter what the circumstance God is in control.  So chill, rest and be easy. I left church smiling, hugging, loving, giving, forgiving, and I couldn't wait to share my smile.

That is exactly what I did when I went to rehearsal today. I was smiling through the anxiety, uncertainty, excitement, and last minute butterfly fears and I know I must of sent a strong signal
to God.  Four days away and we had an AWESOME REHEARSAL and I am convinced it was
because, "I SMILE."

5 Days Away I Replenished In a Different Way

Today, I woke up to a busy day. I had rehearsal for another project and then I just planned to rest. However, I indulged in my every other Saturday morning ritual. I always like to call home and check in with my brother on the weekends he has the twins. He is a truly a loving Dad, he engages his children to think and ask question. I love the ease of their relationship and enjoy listening to their talks.  They are always preparing for a great adventure.

I was so happy to hear they were coming into the city after their dance class. They were going to the Museum of Natural History. It sounded so exciting and you know what, my little girl wanted to play.  I remember Saturdays when I was kid. It was chock full of activities, bowling, dance, shopping, and family visits and day trips. I just thought I would invite myself and tag along for the experience. I even decided to call my God-daughter and she brought her girlfriend and we made an afternoon of it.

Dinosaurs, birds, big horned sheep, wolverines, boars, flying things, creepy things and crawling things. I think we all fell in love with the discovery and the excitement of not knowing.  I think that was the best thing we got rid of all expectation and that made it special. I  was in awe of God and his creation. There are so many details in life that we often miss because we don't think that they are important enough to exist.  They do exist and for a reason.  Watching the world through the eyes of these glowing children my faith in their future and mine was redeemed.  What a way to spend my day! Five days away from the play and it was their laughter, their innocence, their curiosity, their energy that replenished me and I had the such a wonderful day.