Enough Foolish Thinking

It's been nothing but uphill since the show on March 31, 2011.  I feel stronger than I ever have in a long time. I know that all things are possible through God and I know no matter what I can never give up on myself.   There is so much power and possibility within me and my prayer is to stay focused, be patient, and continue to fuel my vision.

The secret places that I have suppressed are being exposed and doubt doesn't live here anymore. The clutter is clearing and the trash is being thrown out. I've never thought that giving practically all of my wardrobe to a worthy charity would feel so good! I can give and not be afraid of being without. I am never without with God.  I was so afraid of giving something away for fear I'd never be able to replace it. Never truly believing that maybe God's plan was not for me to replace. Replacing is simply getting back exactly what you gave away. Never truly believing that God could breathe new life within me. Selfishly and foolishly hoarding and holding on to things that really were never mine to keep. Thinking that I can only obtain the things that I can see with no regards to God and his divine design for me.  Besides, all these goods are perishable, flammable and to think I thought having so many things meant I was prepared, I was ready.  But how?  While I might have been ready,  how fast and far could I go carrying all this weight on my back?

 I feel lighter now, so much lighter. I can finally close my closet doors.  Doors that were closeted are now closing. Which means that these closets were always opened.  In fact, what I thought I was hiding was never really hidden, especially if I could see them and I knew they were there. So, who did I think I was hiding them from? Hmm....Why was I playing a game of hide-and-go-seek and it's only me?

I never thought I would be smiling singing a new song entitled, " I'm Worthy....God Loves Me....I Can Forgive.. I am Free." This is the time in my life that I can truly say, "What's next? I'm Ready God..Blow My Mind! I am so grateful.

Next on the horizon new head shots, new union status, entering a film competition, audition, and get the part. Land the role of a lifetime!

Enough foolish thinking!  

I already see it! 

And God you already know what it is! 

We can do this! 

We will do this! 

It's done!

Praying Through It

Here is another Saturday and the sun is shining.  I have so many things to be grateful for and I know I am blessed.  Inside I'm crying out, "pick me, choose me, I'm ready." There is so much anxiety I'm feeling right now.  I'm overwhelmed, restless, and disengaged with anything that doesn't point me in the direction of my acting goals.  I don't know what's next and I want more major opportunities for exposure and to shine.  I'm feeling so anxious and tired of fighting off feelings of discouragement.  The cycle of self-submitting myself for projects, joining websites, paying for opportunities to be considered, planning to take new head shots, going back to Bikram Yoga because I need to find a peaceful center, and it's always a good idea to lose some weight .....this is OVERWHELMING.  The more I want, the more I am able to identify places for growth and improvement. I know I can be better, do better, feel better, look better and I don't know what is blocking me from the better I want to be.  I feel like I am on the brink of a meltdown.  Honestly, these feelings are not new. These are the feelings that I don't enjoy revisiting.  These are the feelings that in the past have stolen my joy and have taken me years to overcome.  I know now that I didn't have the skills back then.  I wasn't equipped. My relationship with God was shattered I couldn't find God within me.  I have to get my positivity level up. I am feeling one-quarter of a tank away till I'm empty. Yes, I'm feeling a little low today. This dream I have is interesting because it requires a team of players.  This team will either be comprised of people that I have yet to meet or by a select group of people I have already met. These are my thoughts, but I know God has his own thoughts and his special ways.  Maybe, it's not a team at all that I need. Maybe,  I am my own team. I don't know. Thinking about my future is really making it hard for me to enjoy today and this moment. I got to get moving, get outside, and smell the April chill.  I got to stay up and stay prayed up. I know God is working so I got to smile and pray through it.

My Feet Have Not Touched The Ground

Time has passed since March 31, 2011, the opening and closing of my show, and my feet have not touched the ground.  If I could, I would live in that moment forever.  That memory can never be erased.

Now every trailer I see, every billboard I pass, I envision me.  This is where I want to be every second of the day.

If I had it my way I'd begin my day with Bikram Yoga, breakfast and then off to a movie set, photo shoot, magazine interview, radio interview, television talk show, rehearsals, business meetings, and charitable events.  My days and evening would be lived out pursuing my possibilities--being what God has designed me to be.

Oh God, can't wait to see what is next!  I don't have an agent so I have to search the trades and submit myself every day.  I would love to have an agent helping me that is something that I have never had.  All the roles that I have landed I found them.   Yes, I've done mailings and gone about pursuing the work in a traditional ways to find an agent but that is not where I have had the success.  I am sure there are ways that I haven't thought of and I am welcome to all suggestions and advice.

Honestly, I am not discouraged.  I have no time to be. I know I am blessed to be where I am right now. Excited, happy, smiling, and hopeful about my future.  I've been here before after a gig is over, not knowing where the next opportunity to perform would be, except this time my belief in God is stronger than ever before.

I'm planning to take new head shots to make a brighter me!   This is the me that I have always wanted to be.  I'm free.  I'm the me that is not afraid of taking risks and enjoying my own success!

Manifest!

Never Before Had I Seen a Butterfly Smile

Last night, I couldn't have had a better dream, couldn't have made it any sweeter, wouldn't have it any other way!   God's love was all over me. My PASTORS came and that was an incredible surprise. Their bible teachings about God have deeply touched, changed,  and filled  my life. They were sitting side by side joined with a host of loving family members and my closest friends. There was a sweet, sweet spirit in that place and I was at peace. The preparation was my meditation.  My Glam Squad  had arrived.

Yes, the butterflies glided in one by one finding their seats quietly. Before I knew it there was a zillion butterflies sitting in a symmetrical line.  They did not flutter their wings. They were still. Their seating arrangement reminded me of a receiving line. And though I was humbled by their presence and so grateful that they came; They didn't come to rescue to me. They came to celebrate. It was my special day. I was the bride.  The butterflies stared proudly: colors sparkling, radiating bursts of sunlight.  I could see their eyes. I could see me in their eyes. Never before had I seen a  butterfly smile. They were smiling my reflection, illuminating wondrous majesty, assurance and grace. And their smiles excited me! 

Finally, the beauty that I see lives within me. 

Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my beauty! 

Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my delicacy!

The entire performance was like a long  incantation and a prayer.  As we sat backstage reflecting on this creative process and our individual performances we found moments to exchange. It felt so natural for us to cozy up  together standing and sitting in the only dressing room. We filled every moment we could in our final hours together, and took each other and everything around us in.

We were so thrilled to be on Broadway! Flashing lights, Gigantic billboard signs, we knew it was only a matter of time before our names would be lit up in magnificent lights. I was so filled with emotion that I just wanted to dance! And backstage: I did, I danced, twirled and waved my arms in praise!

We shared  unique stories about womanhood, our belief in God, and our desire to walk in God's will and way. In essence, we were all saying the same things. We had a dying need to connect, to be delivered, and to survive. Needless to say, we spent precious time.  We fought back our tears so we wouldn't ruin our makeup and found new ways to smile. And what I remember most,  is the countless hugs that we held for a long time. I knew in my heart we'd be together again; until then we'll wait on God's time.