4 DAYS AWAY "I SMILE"

Today I woke up with the strong desire to go to church and praise God and give thanks.  I knew I needed to be surrounded by likeminded people who love and want to obey God. As I was preparing to leave the house I received a bright message from Meredith, my director of the play. This afternoon was our second ensemble rehearsal. I hadn't seen the entire cast of women since our first table read. I was so excited and anxious too. However, I knew this day had to begin with God. As far as I was concerned this was going to be God's day all day! I wrote Meredith a confirmation text that I was ready and prepared for rehearsal and that I was off to church to praise. I needed to say out loud to remind myself that I was surrendering and God was spearheading my day.

I arrived at church and took my seat shortly after the choir stood to sing their first song,
I Smile by Kirk Franklin. For almost the entire Praise and Worship,  I was standing on my feet!  Something about that song just touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I know that I do smile but I will admit not often enough. For many years, I've been told: I frown, look too serious, you're unapproachable, angry, evil, mean, disinterested, look like I don't play, I ain't taking no stuff, you want to fight, I'm mad, I'm sad, distant, and look like I'm throwing shade. While sometimes what was perceived was true, what many didn't understand is that I couldn't find enough reasons that could sustain my smile. My smile wasn't long enough for anyone to read. Honestly, my smile has been a burden to hold and I have developed a habit of smile flashing---quick, curt, calculated smirks.


"Today's a new day" as Kirk Franklin's song says.  This song was redeeming and it validates my life experiences. It really speaks to the reality that, in life there will be disappointments and things might not always go your way. When I think about it,  I have gotten so used to suffering heartaches and emotional trauma that I started to swallow my smile.  For the first time, I didn't swallow my smile. I let my smile overtake me. What I learned today is when I don't smile I'm giving up my power and faith in God.
God is always with me, making a way, preparing me, molding me, and maturing me for something greater.

Oooh, what a burden that lifted inside me hearing those words and that infectious melody.  It's no longer about the reasons and counting all the blessings that should make me forever happy and free.  Nah, forget that because that has never worked for me. Not interested in being guilted into smiling for "fear" I will be called, "ungrateful" nor am I going to grin from ear to ear to make others around me feel "comfortable "and prove that I am part of their team.  Nope, that rationale never worked for me; smile because it was the "right thing to do" or the "polite way act." And to tell you the truth, I've never understood or fully embraced the concept of being "politically correct."  YUCK.  I just don't see the point of trying to squeeze into mainstream and places I clearly don't fit; and if I don't fit what business do I have in maintaining status quo?  How does that benefit me?  HOW DOES MY SMILE COUNT?  Besides, I had always wanted to "keep it real" and only smile for smiling sake. I want to smile because I'm healed, healthy, happy, whole, and I am at peace because I am wealthy, prosperous and successful.

Hearing this song today and learning the words really changed my perspective.  I totally revised my narrative on smiling today.  These song lyrics really gave me new life and I felt my relationship with God deepen.   These are the two lines that helped open my eyes: one,  "You look so much better when you smile ..." and I know I've heard that before. I really never believed it, not really, and it didn't help hearing it in the same context. To me the phrase always sounded like a cheap pick up line, especially at the bodega.  It was just so hard to accept and believe and harder when the person saying those words was a total stranger but you know when I think about it, it's true no matter who says it or the circumstance.  Why was I fighting it ? For many reasons: because I could, to block, to dismiss, I was afraid.  Now, I see that is still not a good enough excuse?  How can I not look so much better when I smile?

God made me in his image and that smile is the light he has within me.  Finally, I understand what the song, This Little Light of Mine is all about.  I always thought the "light" they were describing was something internal not external.  But, now I am starting to see the divine connection and how smiling internally connects to the external physicality and how it projects on our faces and what we actually see.  I am starting to trace the flow of love from God to me. God's love embarrasses me; floods me with joy, my laugh lines curl, my cheek bones swerve, my lips spread, my teeth shine, my eyes twinkle and sparkle no matter if it's day or night. This is all by God's intricate design. And no one smiles like me. It's mine and God gave it to me. God is living in me. I am beauty. When I smile, God's love illuminates in me.

And the other lyrics that gives me chills reads, " I know God is working so I SMILE." And it can't get any clearer than that.  This song felt so good me and to us all. I could feel, see it, and I felt it when I greeted people and gave them hugs. The choirs sung this song three times. The sanctuary was rocking with this renewed and revitalized spirit. It reminded me, no matter what the circumstance God is in control.  So chill, rest and be easy. I left church smiling, hugging, loving, giving, forgiving, and I couldn't wait to share my smile.

That is exactly what I did when I went to rehearsal today. I was smiling through the anxiety, uncertainty, excitement, and last minute butterfly fears and I know I must of sent a strong signal
to God.  Four days away and we had an AWESOME REHEARSAL and I am convinced it was
because, "I SMILE."