This morning, I'm feeling a little tired, cold, congested, and I can feel the anxiety rising. It's hard to breathe.
In my mind I can envision a solid performance a powerful evening and giving God all the praise. At the same time, I know that with only 6 days away and tech week around the corner there is so much to do. Now that all the parts are crafted and the actions clearly outlined, it's like the more I rehearse the more I discover and the more anxiety it produces.
I really need to turn the television off. Watching the last two days of American Idol really didn't help at all. It was like they are singing for their lives and I certainly can relate. This is their moment and they are doing everything they can to make America love them to stay on the show. In the past, I would be just as critical and crude as some of the judges. As much as I can appreciate honest critique now I understand that there is a difference between critiquing the craft and casting out a dream. Trust me I see the danger and try hard not too get involved in the blocking blessings business. It's actually a boomerang business. The minute you put that negative word, shady side grin, evil thought out there, that energy, " that thang" will aim right back at you, cutting off your neck and knocking you to your knees. It's dangerous, infectious, and so incredibly contagious and it comes from a defensive place. It comes from that "would of should of could of but you didn't syndrome and I am mad its you instead of me" place. I have been there many times and thank God I had people around me along with my haunting conscience that would wrestle with my spirit and help me take accountability for my choices and not allow me to pity in my pain or make excuses for my fear.
I'm not going to lie I do have a preference as to the styles of singing I most enjoy; I think we all do. What I'm saying is I am maturing and learning it's not all about what I would do because I'm not doing it. But, if I am going to continue to watch these singing and dancing competition shows I must differentiate between style and crafting and delineate skill from scheme. By practicing that I was able to watch the last twenty minutes of the result show last night with a bit more ease, take it light, and be entertained. Yes, and it is difficult to maintain especially when you are a recovering critic. But seriously, what if I forget my lines at my show? I mean, when Christina Aguilera did it singing the National Anthem I threw her all kinds of shade. And I had the nerve to get mad when my friend said "watch I cant't wait for that to happen to you." Oooh, I was tight because he was right, "Where was my forgiveness and compassion? He was right and it was a frightening thought. The moment he said that my heart skipped a few beats and I felt burning in my chest. So maybe what I am feeling today is potential karma or the karmic playback. Either way, I have to be easy and remind myself, " it's not Showtime at the Apollo" stop booing souls off the stage. It's hard because sometimes it's fun to throw shade. but I have to be careful and ask that moralistic question, " How would I feel if that was me? If I have one off or "pitchy" performance does that mean, I should get booed too?"
Six days away from my one and only performance I better check myself constantly. The reality is, I have one night only, on a stage on a Broadway Street. This performance is not about me it's about raising money for Haitian women and young girls who have been victims of violence, hate, and rape since the tragic earthquake and I dare to say before then. This performance is all about helping others.. So, thank you American Idol for making me get clear. Did you catch that? I certainly did; in the beginning I basically was blaming and making excuses. I was saying that American Idol was the "enemy" it was the reason I woke up feeling this anxiety. NO, just STOP IT! I'm not even going to call myself out of my name. Just stop it and decide from now on: "Whether I engage the TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter, Google, TMZ, or my friends, you name it, on or off I have to acknowledge all gifts that are shared and all the dreams being lived and dreamt. " Then that is when I can truly embrace God in every performance and experience God's anointing. These are the performers who simply breathe and you believe. Starting today, I am really committed to HUMILITY. With all this said, it has become clearer what I desire for me. Ultimately, I want God's anointing. When I breathe I want to manifest all my possibilities.
No comments:
Post a Comment