Today I woke up with an overwhelming desire to forgive. Forgive everybody and everything that has ever happened in my life. I am starting to believe that this should be my daily ritual. If I think back to all the times I was hurt, rejected, reduced, belittled, teased, berated, embarrassed somehow I always found fault with others. It was this one or that one that discouraged me. I am not saying that this wasn't my truth at the time, it was. But, as I rehearse the lines from my Vagina Monologue over and over in my head I am starting to ask myself why did I, do I, continue to rehearse the most painful places in my mind?
Why am I choosing to cast myself in a constant nightmare or a sequel play? Why do I find myself always playing the director, the star and every supporting role I can think of? This is my one-woman show, my one-woman mantra and what makes it even more disturbing is I either only invite myself or drag someone along blindly in the night. I kidnap them, blindfold them and make them journey to a place to hear the most excruciating sounds one could ever make. It is like I am scratching my nails on a chalk board the and screeching sound never stops. Then, just before curtain, I whisper to myself or over to my blindfolded guest, " Aren't you glad you came?" And before any response, the performance has ended and I of course bow, applaud, give a standing ovation, throw roses, sign autographs, pop champagne, and do photo ops. I'm not even sure if my guest found their way home or not and I don't care because, " I am a great friend and anyone would be grateful to have me as their friend because I invited them to this play and they got to sit in the front row." Now that's scary. Very scary.
I don't know but there is something about standing up in front of a large audience commanding a crowd that can be quite empty if in my heart I never once acknowledged my wrongs, my imperfections, my missteps, and said. "I am sorry, I was out of my mind., what was I thinking, forgive me." Well, now I know what I was thinking: I was thinking Too MUCH. I was Too busy thinking my thoughts, MY thoughts, MY silent narratives that haunt, shade, and distort every situation and make it evil.
Yesterday, a friend of mine described today's weather forecast as a "wintry mix." This description resonated with me this morning as I listened to the hail and rain lying in my bed making a list of people I would forgive today. Then, I thought that is exactly what the process of forgiveness is for me. It is a "wintry mix" of emotions. A cold chill rushes through my body and it stings but once that burning heart sensation subsides I begin to feel light and peaceful in my mind-heart leaving no trace of resistance and pain. So at the top of my forgiveness list is ME! And you know once I named myself there was no need to add anyone else. I found so many subsets of Erika's and alias files that I recovered within me that I lost count..
Yep, I admit I have lots of work to do. I will begin by shutting down these nightmare plays and sequels and absolutely stop reminiscing and telling others about them. They were horrible plays and they may have been historical fiction,now that I am thinking about it. No telling, each time I performed them something was slightly different and a tad bit off. Moments changed, characters were missing, dialogue added, dialogue left out and they probably had to or else how could they remain relevant over the years. Now, I will admit I learned some invaluable life lesson but even that has to evolve. The meaning has to adapt to a larger context, don't you agree? And at the very least the lessons can't paralyze me? I'm done. There is no room for justifying insanity these were awful plays, horrid! I take full responsibility for the productions that I have made out of my blessed life.
This time I am not doing this forgiveness work to be good and perfect but I doing the work so I don't cloud my motives for performing. It's can't be about proving something to someone else not even to me. Performing has to be all about LIVING TRUTHFULLY ..... " doing what I was born to do!" Even if it takes me a life time.............I will forgive......
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