Monday, May 16, 2011
PROUD
When I heard Pastor Mike from FCBC preach a sermon about being a "Finisher," I ran out of church knowing what calling that God had placed upon my heart. On that day, I was called to audition for the Vagina Monologues. I had the option or waiting until Monday but after hearing that sermon,
HUNNEY! Today was the day! Without hesitation or delay, I was there on Sunday afternoon auditioning. The very next day at 9am, I received a call back. And within less than a week, the director called me telling me that I had landed the role. I was ecstatic! I knew a long time ago that I wanted to be an a successful actress and humanitarian and I would make a tremendous contribution to this world. I thank God and Pastor Mike everyday for renewing and restoring that zeal and faith in myself and my gifts.
Ever since the March 31, 2010, I have been searching all over for auditions, opportunities, any leads that will lead me back to the places I belong; on the stage, on the screen, on the radio. I know I need to be in the ears and eyes, hearts and minds of people. I can no longer hide from myself and others.
And trust me ever step of the way, I have had to push past some of those fears that still hide in the crevices of my mind. Sometimes, I would have my heart set on something and in less than a minute I would torment myself as to why it can't happen or won't happen. This was a scary place to be because it is usually the darkest places in my mind, where I replay all the negative things anyone has ever said or done to me. Then, after I take in all of that, here comes the clincher. This is the moment, when I think to myself that my initial heartfelt idea was the stupidest thing that I could even imagine. I start feeling embarrassed that I am thinking of myself in such a healthy and positive way. I can recite the line from the movie, Carrie, "They're all going to laugh at you." The instant I say those words, I feel a big lump in my chest burning and stinging. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I'm powerless, so I repeat it again, "They're all going to laugh at you." YUCK! Once, I have gone through that cycle I think about God and all the things he has done for me. All of the blessing and I start to find some courage and strength and more truth. I get real with myself and admit, "I am the root of this evil." So I tell myself, "No excuses, I am a FINISHER." I have to continue to walk in my divination and the path God has set out for me.
I am happy to say, in this time between my last blog I have accomplished so much. I took new head shots, learned new monologues, created a website, and I joined Actor's Equity Association. (Joining AEA was something I could have done a long time ago. I can't even tell you why I haven't until now). And those are just the things that pertain to my acting business. There is so much more. None of this would have been possible without God and the team of amazing people that God had placed in my life. They encourage, guide, and believe in not only my gifts but in their own calling and gifts. It feels so good to be surrounded by a group of people, a group of warriors, who are also bold enough to aspire for greatness.
And just like that Sunday in February, this weekend was just another example of how God called me to a new vision (his vision) and I fulfilled it.
In early April, I was searching Backstage on-line and I came across this 48 hour film contest. I really loved the challenge and thought this is something my team would be interested in. I made one phone call to my filmmaker director and beloved friend Linette Lucas and it was done. Linette and I worked hard to secure all the things that were necessary to make this competition a success and we were determined to win. The more we told people about it the more interested they became and they all wanted to be a part of it if they could. And trust My GLAM SQUAD was in full effect.
We had every thing in place, however in this competition you are not given a script beforehand. We have no idea what the 10 minute film will be about. All participants are given the subject matter on Friday at 7pm and the film must be completely edited and submitted by Sunday at 7pm. So here we were walking blindly, entering a 48 film contest, not knowing the subject, there was no script. All I could think of was the words that P.J. Gibson, world renowned African-American woman playwright, who was also my Black Theater professor in graduate school said to all of us, "BE READY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET READY. " These words came alive in me and they certainly guided me through this process. We were ready! God was was with us! We were prepared! I was ready to do something I'd never done before and to claim VICTORY before we begun!
This process was challenging and rewarding all at the same time. The time limit really was the gift for all us. It really tested your creativity, willingness, and it certainly was an instant cure for diva or divo syndrome. HUNNEY! We had no time for meltdowns, power struggles, or pretentiousness. Linette, the director would say every so often, " Be Down or Lay Down." In some instances, that is exactly what happened. If you were a crew member or an actor and you weren't being used sometimes folks would just lay down. They'd lay down until they were called.
Linette, didn't have an ounce of sleep. Linette was up for the full 48hours. The editor, Joaquin and the co-writer, Michael were up for a full 24 hours. I think I stayed awake for at least 20 hours. And the only reason why I laid down was because I was told to. Like I said, "I was obedient." They needed me to sleep while they reviewed raw footage and wrote the dialogue. They wanted my voice to be well rested for the narration and voice-over.
I was the star of the film and you know being the star comes with huge responsibility and trust me I learned so much. I am so grateful for this entire experience. (Now, I know why many actors produce their own films or at least co-produce it makes a lot of sense.) We didn't stop shooting until about 2am. I drove the crew around from Jersey through Manhattan to Queens and then to Brooklyn, we were determined to find the perfect location, the perfect shot, and it was up to me to deliver the perfect performance.
Sunday, May 15 at 5:00pm the film was finished and ready to be submitted. The editor and the producer were leaving Brooklyn headed back to Queens to submit the film. Linette and I left Brooklyn and headed back to Manhattan. By the end we were terribly exhausted, all we could do between the 6 of us who were left was some high-fiving and hugging.
HUNNEY! Today was the day! Without hesitation or delay, I was there on Sunday afternoon auditioning. The very next day at 9am, I received a call back. And within less than a week, the director called me telling me that I had landed the role. I was ecstatic! I knew a long time ago that I wanted to be an a successful actress and humanitarian and I would make a tremendous contribution to this world. I thank God and Pastor Mike everyday for renewing and restoring that zeal and faith in myself and my gifts.
Ever since the March 31, 2010, I have been searching all over for auditions, opportunities, any leads that will lead me back to the places I belong; on the stage, on the screen, on the radio. I know I need to be in the ears and eyes, hearts and minds of people. I can no longer hide from myself and others.
And trust me ever step of the way, I have had to push past some of those fears that still hide in the crevices of my mind. Sometimes, I would have my heart set on something and in less than a minute I would torment myself as to why it can't happen or won't happen. This was a scary place to be because it is usually the darkest places in my mind, where I replay all the negative things anyone has ever said or done to me. Then, after I take in all of that, here comes the clincher. This is the moment, when I think to myself that my initial heartfelt idea was the stupidest thing that I could even imagine. I start feeling embarrassed that I am thinking of myself in such a healthy and positive way. I can recite the line from the movie, Carrie, "They're all going to laugh at you." The instant I say those words, I feel a big lump in my chest burning and stinging. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I'm powerless, so I repeat it again, "They're all going to laugh at you." YUCK! Once, I have gone through that cycle I think about God and all the things he has done for me. All of the blessing and I start to find some courage and strength and more truth. I get real with myself and admit, "I am the root of this evil." So I tell myself, "No excuses, I am a FINISHER." I have to continue to walk in my divination and the path God has set out for me.
I am happy to say, in this time between my last blog I have accomplished so much. I took new head shots, learned new monologues, created a website, and I joined Actor's Equity Association. (Joining AEA was something I could have done a long time ago. I can't even tell you why I haven't until now). And those are just the things that pertain to my acting business. There is so much more. None of this would have been possible without God and the team of amazing people that God had placed in my life. They encourage, guide, and believe in not only my gifts but in their own calling and gifts. It feels so good to be surrounded by a group of people, a group of warriors, who are also bold enough to aspire for greatness.
And just like that Sunday in February, this weekend was just another example of how God called me to a new vision (his vision) and I fulfilled it.
In early April, I was searching Backstage on-line and I came across this 48 hour film contest. I really loved the challenge and thought this is something my team would be interested in. I made one phone call to my filmmaker director and beloved friend Linette Lucas and it was done. Linette and I worked hard to secure all the things that were necessary to make this competition a success and we were determined to win. The more we told people about it the more interested they became and they all wanted to be a part of it if they could. And trust My GLAM SQUAD was in full effect.
We had every thing in place, however in this competition you are not given a script beforehand. We have no idea what the 10 minute film will be about. All participants are given the subject matter on Friday at 7pm and the film must be completely edited and submitted by Sunday at 7pm. So here we were walking blindly, entering a 48 film contest, not knowing the subject, there was no script. All I could think of was the words that P.J. Gibson, world renowned African-American woman playwright, who was also my Black Theater professor in graduate school said to all of us, "BE READY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET READY. " These words came alive in me and they certainly guided me through this process. We were ready! God was was with us! We were prepared! I was ready to do something I'd never done before and to claim VICTORY before we begun!
This process was challenging and rewarding all at the same time. The time limit really was the gift for all us. It really tested your creativity, willingness, and it certainly was an instant cure for diva or divo syndrome. HUNNEY! We had no time for meltdowns, power struggles, or pretentiousness. Linette, the director would say every so often, " Be Down or Lay Down." In some instances, that is exactly what happened. If you were a crew member or an actor and you weren't being used sometimes folks would just lay down. They'd lay down until they were called.
Linette, didn't have an ounce of sleep. Linette was up for the full 48hours. The editor, Joaquin and the co-writer, Michael were up for a full 24 hours. I think I stayed awake for at least 20 hours. And the only reason why I laid down was because I was told to. Like I said, "I was obedient." They needed me to sleep while they reviewed raw footage and wrote the dialogue. They wanted my voice to be well rested for the narration and voice-over.
I was the star of the film and you know being the star comes with huge responsibility and trust me I learned so much. I am so grateful for this entire experience. (Now, I know why many actors produce their own films or at least co-produce it makes a lot of sense.) We didn't stop shooting until about 2am. I drove the crew around from Jersey through Manhattan to Queens and then to Brooklyn, we were determined to find the perfect location, the perfect shot, and it was up to me to deliver the perfect performance.
Sunday, May 15 at 5:00pm the film was finished and ready to be submitted. The editor and the producer were leaving Brooklyn headed back to Queens to submit the film. Linette and I left Brooklyn and headed back to Manhattan. By the end we were terribly exhausted, all we could do between the 6 of us who were left was some high-fiving and hugging.
We were happy to be FINISHERS
Standing in awe of what we created!
And although we didn't say much,
I knew we all felt the same way,
"PROUD."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Enough Foolish Thinking
It's been nothing but uphill since the show on March 31, 2011. I feel stronger than I ever have in a long time. I know that all things are possible through God and I know no matter what I can never give up on myself. There is so much power and possibility within me and my prayer is to stay focused, be patient, and continue to fuel my vision.
The secret places that I have suppressed are being exposed and doubt doesn't live here anymore. The clutter is clearing and the trash is being thrown out. I've never thought that giving practically all of my wardrobe to a worthy charity would feel so good! I can give and not be afraid of being without. I am never without with God. I was so afraid of giving something away for fear I'd never be able to replace it. Never truly believing that maybe God's plan was not for me to replace. Replacing is simply getting back exactly what you gave away. Never truly believing that God could breathe new life within me. Selfishly and foolishly hoarding and holding on to things that really were never mine to keep. Thinking that I can only obtain the things that I can see with no regards to God and his divine design for me. Besides, all these goods are perishable, flammable and to think I thought having so many things meant I was prepared, I was ready. But how? While I might have been ready, how fast and far could I go carrying all this weight on my back?
I feel lighter now, so much lighter. I can finally close my closet doors. Doors that were closeted are now closing. Which means that these closets were always opened. In fact, what I thought I was hiding was never really hidden, especially if I could see them and I knew they were there. So, who did I think I was hiding them from? Hmm....Why was I playing a game of hide-and-go-seek and it's only me?
I never thought I would be smiling singing a new song entitled, " I'm Worthy....God Loves Me....I Can Forgive.. I am Free." This is the time in my life that I can truly say, "What's next? I'm Ready God..Blow My Mind! I am so grateful.
Next on the horizon new head shots, new union status, entering a film competition, audition, and get the part. Land the role of a lifetime!
The secret places that I have suppressed are being exposed and doubt doesn't live here anymore. The clutter is clearing and the trash is being thrown out. I've never thought that giving practically all of my wardrobe to a worthy charity would feel so good! I can give and not be afraid of being without. I am never without with God. I was so afraid of giving something away for fear I'd never be able to replace it. Never truly believing that maybe God's plan was not for me to replace. Replacing is simply getting back exactly what you gave away. Never truly believing that God could breathe new life within me. Selfishly and foolishly hoarding and holding on to things that really were never mine to keep. Thinking that I can only obtain the things that I can see with no regards to God and his divine design for me. Besides, all these goods are perishable, flammable and to think I thought having so many things meant I was prepared, I was ready. But how? While I might have been ready, how fast and far could I go carrying all this weight on my back?
I feel lighter now, so much lighter. I can finally close my closet doors. Doors that were closeted are now closing. Which means that these closets were always opened. In fact, what I thought I was hiding was never really hidden, especially if I could see them and I knew they were there. So, who did I think I was hiding them from? Hmm....Why was I playing a game of hide-and-go-seek and it's only me?
I never thought I would be smiling singing a new song entitled, " I'm Worthy....God Loves Me....I Can Forgive.. I am Free." This is the time in my life that I can truly say, "What's next? I'm Ready God..Blow My Mind! I am so grateful.
Next on the horizon new head shots, new union status, entering a film competition, audition, and get the part. Land the role of a lifetime!
Enough foolish thinking!
I already see it!
And God you already know what it is!
We can do this!
We will do this!
It's done!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Praying Through It
Here is another Saturday and the sun is shining. I have so many things to be grateful for and I know I am blessed. Inside I'm crying out, "pick me, choose me, I'm ready." There is so much anxiety I'm feeling right now. I'm overwhelmed, restless, and disengaged with anything that doesn't point me in the direction of my acting goals. I don't know what's next and I want more major opportunities for exposure and to shine. I'm feeling so anxious and tired of fighting off feelings of discouragement. The cycle of self-submitting myself for projects, joining websites, paying for opportunities to be considered, planning to take new head shots, going back to Bikram Yoga because I need to find a peaceful center, and it's always a good idea to lose some weight .....this is OVERWHELMING. The more I want, the more I am able to identify places for growth and improvement. I know I can be better, do better, feel better, look better and I don't know what is blocking me from the better I want to be. I feel like I am on the brink of a meltdown. Honestly, these feelings are not new. These are the feelings that I don't enjoy revisiting. These are the feelings that in the past have stolen my joy and have taken me years to overcome. I know now that I didn't have the skills back then. I wasn't equipped. My relationship with God was shattered I couldn't find God within me. I have to get my positivity level up. I am feeling one-quarter of a tank away till I'm empty. Yes, I'm feeling a little low today. This dream I have is interesting because it requires a team of players. This team will either be comprised of people that I have yet to meet or by a select group of people I have already met. These are my thoughts, but I know God has his own thoughts and his special ways. Maybe, it's not a team at all that I need. Maybe, I am my own team. I don't know. Thinking about my future is really making it hard for me to enjoy today and this moment. I got to get moving, get outside, and smell the April chill. I got to stay up and stay prayed up. I know God is working so I got to smile and pray through it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My Feet Have Not Touched The Ground
Time has passed since March 31, 2011, the opening and closing of my show, and my feet have not touched the ground. If I could, I would live in that moment forever. That memory can never be erased.
Now every trailer I see, every billboard I pass, I envision me. This is where I want to be every second of the day.
If I had it my way I'd begin my day with Bikram Yoga, breakfast and then off to a movie set, photo shoot, magazine interview, radio interview, television talk show, rehearsals, business meetings, and charitable events. My days and evening would be lived out pursuing my possibilities--being what God has designed me to be.
Oh God, can't wait to see what is next! I don't have an agent so I have to search the trades and submit myself every day. I would love to have an agent helping me that is something that I have never had. All the roles that I have landed I found them. Yes, I've done mailings and gone about pursuing the work in a traditional ways to find an agent but that is not where I have had the success. I am sure there are ways that I haven't thought of and I am welcome to all suggestions and advice.
Honestly, I am not discouraged. I have no time to be. I know I am blessed to be where I am right now. Excited, happy, smiling, and hopeful about my future. I've been here before after a gig is over, not knowing where the next opportunity to perform would be, except this time my belief in God is stronger than ever before.
I'm planning to take new head shots to make a brighter me! This is the me that I have always wanted to be. I'm free. I'm the me that is not afraid of taking risks and enjoying my own success!
Manifest!
Now every trailer I see, every billboard I pass, I envision me. This is where I want to be every second of the day.
If I had it my way I'd begin my day with Bikram Yoga, breakfast and then off to a movie set, photo shoot, magazine interview, radio interview, television talk show, rehearsals, business meetings, and charitable events. My days and evening would be lived out pursuing my possibilities--being what God has designed me to be.
Oh God, can't wait to see what is next! I don't have an agent so I have to search the trades and submit myself every day. I would love to have an agent helping me that is something that I have never had. All the roles that I have landed I found them. Yes, I've done mailings and gone about pursuing the work in a traditional ways to find an agent but that is not where I have had the success. I am sure there are ways that I haven't thought of and I am welcome to all suggestions and advice.
Honestly, I am not discouraged. I have no time to be. I know I am blessed to be where I am right now. Excited, happy, smiling, and hopeful about my future. I've been here before after a gig is over, not knowing where the next opportunity to perform would be, except this time my belief in God is stronger than ever before.
I'm planning to take new head shots to make a brighter me! This is the me that I have always wanted to be. I'm free. I'm the me that is not afraid of taking risks and enjoying my own success!
Manifest!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Never Before Had I Seen a Butterfly Smile
Last night, I couldn't have had a better dream, couldn't have made it any sweeter, wouldn't have it any other way! God's love was all over me. My PASTORS came and that was an incredible surprise. Their bible teachings about God have deeply touched, changed, and filled my life. They were sitting side by side joined with a host of loving family members and my closest friends. There was a sweet, sweet spirit in that place and I was at peace. The preparation was my meditation. My Glam Squad had arrived.
The entire performance was like a long incantation and a prayer. As we sat backstage reflecting on this creative process and our individual performances we found moments to exchange. It felt so natural for us to cozy up together standing and sitting in the only dressing room. We filled every moment we could in our final hours together, and took each other and everything around us in.
We were so thrilled to be on Broadway! Flashing lights, Gigantic billboard signs, we knew it was only a matter of time before our names would be lit up in magnificent lights. I was so filled with emotion that I just wanted to dance! And backstage: I did, I danced, twirled and waved my arms in praise!
We shared unique stories about womanhood, our belief in God, and our desire to walk in God's will and way. In essence, we were all saying the same things. We had a dying need to connect, to be delivered, and to survive. Needless to say, we spent precious time. We fought back our tears so we wouldn't ruin our makeup and found new ways to smile. And what I remember most, is the countless hugs that we held for a long time. I knew in my heart we'd be together again; until then we'll wait on God's time.
Yes, the butterflies glided in one by one finding their seats quietly. Before I knew it there was a zillion butterflies sitting in a symmetrical line. They did not flutter their wings. They were still. Their seating arrangement reminded me of a receiving line. And though I was humbled by their presence and so grateful that they came; They didn't come to rescue to me. They came to celebrate. It was my special day. I was the bride. The butterflies stared proudly: colors sparkling, radiating bursts of sunlight. I could see their eyes. I could see me in their eyes. Never before had I seen a butterfly smile. They were smiling my reflection, illuminating wondrous majesty, assurance and grace. And their smiles excited me!
Finally, the beauty that I see lives within me.
Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my beauty!
Last night, a zillion butterflies beheld my delicacy!
The entire performance was like a long incantation and a prayer. As we sat backstage reflecting on this creative process and our individual performances we found moments to exchange. It felt so natural for us to cozy up together standing and sitting in the only dressing room. We filled every moment we could in our final hours together, and took each other and everything around us in.
We were so thrilled to be on Broadway! Flashing lights, Gigantic billboard signs, we knew it was only a matter of time before our names would be lit up in magnificent lights. I was so filled with emotion that I just wanted to dance! And backstage: I did, I danced, twirled and waved my arms in praise!
We shared unique stories about womanhood, our belief in God, and our desire to walk in God's will and way. In essence, we were all saying the same things. We had a dying need to connect, to be delivered, and to survive. Needless to say, we spent precious time. We fought back our tears so we wouldn't ruin our makeup and found new ways to smile. And what I remember most, is the countless hugs that we held for a long time. I knew in my heart we'd be together again; until then we'll wait on God's time.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
TODAY IS THE DAY
Pray with me and for me and allow God to use me to give him all the glory.
I am blessed, overjoyed, amazed, humbled, grateful, in awe
I KNOW WHO I AM
WHO GOD HAS CALLED ME TO BE
Overwhelmed knowing all decisions, choices, consequences and challenges that I faced and overcame; and all the life-experiences I have had were carefully crafted and constructed.
Masterfully designed preparing me and shaping me; I was made for this day.
God has brought me out of so much darkness, doubt, guilt, fear, and pain and I know I feel lighter, my smile has gotten much brighter, and I am singing new songs of praise.
I THANK GOD FOR THE JOURNEY
I AM READY, I AM READY
I AM READY
MANIFEST WITHIN ME
POWER TO
LOVE, FORGIVE
HEAL
TRANSFORM, AND TRANSCEND
I AM READY, I AM READY
I AM READY
EMBARRASS ME WITH YOUR LOVE
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
1 DAY AWAY AND I AM GRATEFUL
To my Transformation Team,
Those who will be at the theater supporting me. I am so excited to see you!
Your love is humbling.
Tomorrow night we ALL SHINE! You are ALL STARS journeying with me.
You have touched my life in authentic and special ways.
I thank God for you. You make me better.
What makes it sweeter is that I am finally bringing you all together.
Tomorrow,
I CELEBRATE YOU!
Love Always,
Erika
2 DAYS AWAY IT IS MY SEASON, IT IS MY TIME
Today was one of those day where I know spirit was led me. I was able to accomplish more than ever. Although, I appear to be a multitasker, I really don't think so. Every task that I carry out has to be well-thought out and executed and I give each task its proper attention. I try my best to leave little room for errors with just enough to revise. See, I've learned some valuable lessons about about not taking "Erika Time". That was one of the notes that was given to me during the tech rehearsal, "you felt rushed, take your time."
"Erika Time" has been established since college days although I know there were patterns developing during pre-adolescents. What I began to notice was there were specific things I needed in order to prepare for anything--whether it was getting ready for a party at the Malcolm X Center, hosting a (DST) sorority event, chairing a Social Chair meeting for the Black Student Alliance, or handing in a written final exam. I know to some extent that we all have our rehearsed rituals and methods that work for us and set us up for success.
And yet, somehow, in college and even now I fee bad and a little guilty like I don't think I deserve, "Erika Time." People tend to call it eccentricity, being an actor, being a drama Queen, being an angry Black woman, having high anxiety and I somehowI decided deep inside that other people were right. Maybe, I was "EXTRA." Besides, when I looked around some people thought I was hilarious and just accepted me but there were those who seemed to be uncomfortable and bothered by me or at least appear to be. And you know, I was feeling this a little today at rehearsal. Like I was asking for things that others didn't ask for but I had to ask it/ or at the very least voice it and in doing so everyone was annoyed but also relieved cause they wanted to ask too. It did bring about more clarity. You feel me!
I know that when I was in college I did my best to set my schedule up to have classes in the late morning around ten and eleven. Since, I majored in theater at Smith College all most all my theater classes were in the afternoon after 1pm. This really worked for me because nine am was also the time when our housekeeper came to clean the bathroom and showers. And so the housekeeper knew my schedule, when she arrived on my floor I would always say good morning and she'd knock on my door and let me know that she'd prepared a clean shower and clean stall. I always thanked her and we had lovely exchanges.
We shared lots about lives and she was assigned to our house for at least two years. We got to know each other very well, I remember she had a son. Everyone in the house, knew that I we had this close relationship. Everyone knew my schedule, knew she knew my schedule, and everyone knew that she did what she did for me. And no one said anything to me personally but I would get some glaring looks. I was always trying to figure it out; was it because she was a White housekeeper and I was Black or was it something else? Every time I played this dynamic in my head I thought, "I hope that this is not the case and it better not be because last time I checked I'm one of the few people in this house that speak to her and acknowledge her, and have a conversation. Please you'll better yourselves together." I'm thinking, I am sure that if they were in the house at nine in the morning and wanted to know when the showers and stalls were clean they could find out too. I learned so much about this woman and her family and she knew all about me. I didn't think of her like a peer or servant at all. To me, she was a nurturer. I looked forward to our conversations. She was a blessing; she made me feel at home away from home. The wonderful thing about her and why I remember her so vividly is that she was more concerned and asked me about how I was feeling rather than what I was doing.
I had similar experiences with the cooking staff at Smith. Sometimes, I would wander into the kitchen and kick it with the cooks. I remember walking in the house and smelling something delicious and I wanted to know what they were making. Sometimes, if they noticed that I wasn't feeling the food they'd inquire and prepare it in a different way or make a dish special for me. I could always run into the kitchen when I wanted and they let me make a snack. It was only two of us that I knew of me and my best-friend from college Michele who had this closeness with the cooking staff. And everybody knew Michele loved ice-cream and she could eat it everyday at every meal. Michele knew exactly where they kept it too. There was this one time, during finals and it looked like the entire house was doing "all-nighters." Michele snuck in to the kitchen and took out gallons and gallons of ice cream. It was ice cream for all. And I know Michele ate a gallon of ice cream all by herself. The next morning when the kitchen staff found out there all the ice cream was gone. They were laughing because they knew who it was Michele, "Beauty Queen" that's what she called herself. Michele didn't have to lie or hide or say anything because she was so sick. But it was all love because we were at home, this was our home for four years and they made us feel special.
Then somewhere I started to doubt whether or not I worthy. Was I worthy of all these blessings surrounding me? Was I worthy? I loved these people I had drew into my circle who I was forming nurturing healthy relationships with and they loved me. Did they love me? Did they love me because I special or because I was"special" you know the kind of person we call "special" who have mental challenges. Did I have a mental challenge? Was my connectedness somehow synonymous with neediness and needing to cast people into roles that they didn't know existed?
I started to ask myself to a series of questions to try to understand myself and straighten this all out. Question number one: Did the housekeeper really knock on your door or is that how you need to remember it? Question one clarified: I mean, it could haven't been easy for you-- attending a small, all women's, predominantly white Ivy-League Liberal Arts college, in Northampton, Massachusetts. So what I am asking is, is this what you needed to survive to feel you belong and you matter in an environment where you obviously were different, felt out of place, and inferior? Question number two: Was this housekeeper, these cooks, and the others you remember in your life simply who made you feel "at home" just doing their jobs or taking pride in their jobs and demonstrating excellent customer service? You know doing what it takes to make you feel like a true "Smithie"? Question number two with a twist: Did these people secretly need to keep their customer satisfaction rating extremely high for fear they would lose their jobs? Question number three: Did the housekeeper you describe really clean showers and stalls for you? I answer myself sheepishly, "Well, I guess no; not just for me but for everybody body, I guess."
And since those questions and answers were making me uneasy I thought up new ones and drummed up a rather interesting debate. I was trying to decide if this strong urge to do things "my way" grew out of typical adolescent rebellion or was it because I hated for anyone to tell me what to do. Then, I came to this realization which really helped me to establish some of the core principals of "Erika's Time." I recognized that telling me what to do or how to do something was not the problem at all. Often, I need a blue print or at least an outline for implementation. What I have learned is I have to honor my process that I have for preparing for any process to happen. It's as if I have these internal and external needs that only I can fulfill in order to be open, positive, and patient. It's learning to have patience with me.
Patience with me is so important. Inside of me is this tiny critic. I'm not sure of its gender but I do know that this person is very short in stature because when it talks to me it has to use a stepping stool, pull it up to this huge podium and hop to stand on it. This critic is so short legged that even with the stepping stool you can barely see it's lips. But, you can see that giant head and those piercing eyes that squint sometimes when he/she talks. This tiny critic shouts with a booming voice, and uses its' hands a lot when it talks. This tinycritic pumps their right hand in the air and loves to point that index finger in your direction. This tiny critic shocks and strikes the podium with it's left to emphasize a point. And how this tiny critic became a public speaker concerns me because they really aren't very good. This tiny critic yells the entire lecture. It rants and raves and has the nerve to call you out never really saying your name per se just shouting the word "YOU" repeatedly. The whole lecture is full of, "You Talk" belittling and berating behind the podium. And sometimes, the lectures don't go on for very long. Sometimes, the lecturer has very few words, or statements but they almost always begin with "you." What kills me is as soon as the lecture is over this tiny tot hops down off the stool and disappears. This critic has the nerve to be a coward. This tiny critic makes sure they are no where to be found. There is no forum to ask questions or give feedback. Nope, not a PO BOX, email address, cell phone number, not even a lousy drop box. I always leave this lecture disempowered, confused, angry and feeling worse than I came. This is torture, why do I continue to go? I wonder has anyone that I know been there too?
The more and more I think about it, the tiny critic is a man and he wears a grey suit. And the podium is made of wood and it is draped with a burgundy cloth. And I can see now that we are actually in a church but there are no signs of the holy cross anywhere and no bibles anywhere. Yep, this is a storefront church that was once a brownstone. Now, I can see that I am not the only person in there listening to the lecture. After the lecture they seem be fine and unscathed. During the lecture I sometimes look around to watch others reactions. I notice them all staring steadfast and nodding their heads in agreement. No one ever claps, shouts, or calls out. The five attendees and I make six, we all sit there politely in a civilized manner. Then we listen and leave silently in an orderly fashion. No one looks at each other. Sometimes, I try to make eye contact hoping to read an expression, to evoke empathy compassion, or maybe even a hint of a smile. I get nothing and no response. Everyone turns away and avoids looking in my direction or looking up. I wouldn't say that they are rude or impolite just distant. I always feel isolated, alone, and I want to speak but I don't. I want to smile but it feels like a waste. I give up just don't want to be ostracized for speaking up.
It's been a few months since I've been back to those lectures and seeing the tiny little man. But, he is still very fresh in my memory. And you know he pops up in my mind. Yeah, you know I think he has a Skype account. He sees me online and decides let me see if she will answer my call. What does he want? I see my choices, accept or decline. Without hesitation, I click " decline." At times I think I am having deja vu and I will see someone who I think are the other 5 people who were at the lecture. I am not sure because I don't recognize their faces. It's only the energy that I feel when I think they've passed me that leaves a familiar trace. I sometimes wonder will this tiny critic ever go away. Is it possible for him to grow; evolve, change? Maybe he has grown a little talker. I haven't been back so I don't know. All I know is I can't go back, not now. It's not the time.
Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3 verses 1-8 was a quoted often in my household when I grew up.
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
14I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
15That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
I continued to read down to verse 15 and I found ME. Two days away and there is more to be revealed.
IT IS MY SEASON, IT IS "ERIKA TIME"
Monday, March 28, 2011
3 DAYS AWAY BRING ON THE BUTTERFLIES
Today, is BUTTERFLIES DAY!
There is so much last minute fear living in me! And I know I feel CRAZY! I am so ecstatic about my friends and family supporting me. The warm embrace feels so good and I am SMILING MORE OFTEN THAN EVER! At this very moment I think I have at least thirty-people confirmed that are coming to my show. I feel so blessed, proud and special. Then the very next moment, I am terrified! What is everyone expecting to see? What if I disappoint them? What if they are smiling out of politeness? OOh, that would be a disaster, a nightmare! Then I tell myself, STOP IT! STOP IT! THIS PERFORMANCE IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
No matter what people say, "break a leg, knock em dead, rock that sh#*, do your thang, you go girl!" Uh uh, that all just sets me up for SHADE! And I find myself going there, down there to the negative dwelling place. And why do I want to go there? The more I fight it I start to tear and break. That force is powerful. I try to shake it off but old pains and fear just keep seeping in and I feel guilty and ashamed because I know I should be stronger than this. Where is my faith? What makes it worse is that I am not saying these things out loud. These are the words, thoughts, and visualizations, I share with myself replaying in my head. Now, my cries get louder and suddenly all these doors fly open sending raging winds of insecurity in pushing me out of the window and on to the ledge.
And just when I think it's over and the force is too great.....here comes a swarm of a zillion BUTTERFLIES........Their elegance and beauty surround me, I am hypnotized by their fluttering wings. They lead me and I follow peacefully and I am under arrest. Perhaps I was already under surveillance and I was already caught. This was just the perfect moment--- the time to take me into captive custody where they hold me and lay me to REST. I get quiet, meditate, and wipe my eyes to pray.
In my mind, I am thinking what would have happened if those butterflies hadn't appeared. Now, I understand that having BUTTERFLIES before any performance is a really good thing. I think without these butterflies this, "show business and this entertainment game" can rush straight to my head leaving me or dead. So GOD please BRING ON those Beautiful, Bodacious, BUTTERFLIES! I know now when they come it is the Holy Spirit reminding me God's is guiding me and he walks beside me. We are one!
There is so much last minute fear living in me! And I know I feel CRAZY! I am so ecstatic about my friends and family supporting me. The warm embrace feels so good and I am SMILING MORE OFTEN THAN EVER! At this very moment I think I have at least thirty-people confirmed that are coming to my show. I feel so blessed, proud and special. Then the very next moment, I am terrified! What is everyone expecting to see? What if I disappoint them? What if they are smiling out of politeness? OOh, that would be a disaster, a nightmare! Then I tell myself, STOP IT! STOP IT! THIS PERFORMANCE IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
No matter what people say, "break a leg, knock em dead, rock that sh#*, do your thang, you go girl!" Uh uh, that all just sets me up for SHADE! And I find myself going there, down there to the negative dwelling place. And why do I want to go there? The more I fight it I start to tear and break. That force is powerful. I try to shake it off but old pains and fear just keep seeping in and I feel guilty and ashamed because I know I should be stronger than this. Where is my faith? What makes it worse is that I am not saying these things out loud. These are the words, thoughts, and visualizations, I share with myself replaying in my head. Now, my cries get louder and suddenly all these doors fly open sending raging winds of insecurity in pushing me out of the window and on to the ledge.
And just when I think it's over and the force is too great.....here comes a swarm of a zillion BUTTERFLIES........Their elegance and beauty surround me, I am hypnotized by their fluttering wings. They lead me and I follow peacefully and I am under arrest. Perhaps I was already under surveillance and I was already caught. This was just the perfect moment--- the time to take me into captive custody where they hold me and lay me to REST. I get quiet, meditate, and wipe my eyes to pray.
In my mind, I am thinking what would have happened if those butterflies hadn't appeared. Now, I understand that having BUTTERFLIES before any performance is a really good thing. I think without these butterflies this, "show business and this entertainment game" can rush straight to my head leaving me or dead. So GOD please BRING ON those Beautiful, Bodacious, BUTTERFLIES! I know now when they come it is the Holy Spirit reminding me God's is guiding me and he walks beside me. We are one!
4 DAYS AWAY "I SMILE"
Today I woke up with the strong desire to go to church and praise God and give thanks. I knew I needed to be surrounded by likeminded people who love and want to obey God. As I was preparing to leave the house I received a bright message from Meredith, my director of the play. This afternoon was our second ensemble rehearsal. I hadn't seen the entire cast of women since our first table read. I was so excited and anxious too. However, I knew this day had to begin with God. As far as I was concerned this was going to be God's day all day! I wrote Meredith a confirmation text that I was ready and prepared for rehearsal and that I was off to church to praise. I needed to say out loud to remind myself that I was surrendering and God was spearheading my day.
I arrived at church and took my seat shortly after the choir stood to sing their first song,
I Smile by Kirk Franklin. For almost the entire Praise and Worship, I was standing on my feet! Something about that song just touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I know that I do smile but I will admit not often enough. For many years, I've been told: I frown, look too serious, you're unapproachable, angry, evil, mean, disinterested, look like I don't play, I ain't taking no stuff, you want to fight, I'm mad, I'm sad, distant, and look like I'm throwing shade. While sometimes what was perceived was true, what many didn't understand is that I couldn't find enough reasons that could sustain my smile. My smile wasn't long enough for anyone to read. Honestly, my smile has been a burden to hold and I have developed a habit of smile flashing---quick, curt, calculated smirks.
"Today's a new day" as Kirk Franklin's song says. This song was redeeming and it validates my life experiences. It really speaks to the reality that, in life there will be disappointments and things might not always go your way. When I think about it, I have gotten so used to suffering heartaches and emotional trauma that I started to swallow my smile. For the first time, I didn't swallow my smile. I let my smile overtake me. What I learned today is when I don't smile I'm giving up my power and faith in God.
God is always with me, making a way, preparing me, molding me, and maturing me for something greater.
Oooh, what a burden that lifted inside me hearing those words and that infectious melody. It's no longer about the reasons and counting all the blessings that should make me forever happy and free. Nah, forget that because that has never worked for me. Not interested in being guilted into smiling for "fear" I will be called, "ungrateful" nor am I going to grin from ear to ear to make others around me feel "comfortable "and prove that I am part of their team. Nope, that rationale never worked for me; smile because it was the "right thing to do" or the "polite way act." And to tell you the truth, I've never understood or fully embraced the concept of being "politically correct." YUCK. I just don't see the point of trying to squeeze into mainstream and places I clearly don't fit; and if I don't fit what business do I have in maintaining status quo? How does that benefit me? HOW DOES MY SMILE COUNT? Besides, I had always wanted to "keep it real" and only smile for smiling sake. I want to smile because I'm healed, healthy, happy, whole, and I am at peace because I am wealthy, prosperous and successful.
Hearing this song today and learning the words really changed my perspective. I totally revised my narrative on smiling today. These song lyrics really gave me new life and I felt my relationship with God deepen. These are the two lines that helped open my eyes: one, "You look so much better when you smile ..." and I know I've heard that before. I really never believed it, not really, and it didn't help hearing it in the same context. To me the phrase always sounded like a cheap pick up line, especially at the bodega. It was just so hard to accept and believe and harder when the person saying those words was a total stranger but you know when I think about it, it's true no matter who says it or the circumstance. Why was I fighting it ? For many reasons: because I could, to block, to dismiss, I was afraid. Now, I see that is still not a good enough excuse? How can I not look so much better when I smile?
God made me in his image and that smile is the light he has within me. Finally, I understand what the song, This Little Light of Mine is all about. I always thought the "light" they were describing was something internal not external. But, now I am starting to see the divine connection and how smiling internally connects to the external physicality and how it projects on our faces and what we actually see. I am starting to trace the flow of love from God to me. God's love embarrasses me; floods me with joy, my laugh lines curl, my cheek bones swerve, my lips spread, my teeth shine, my eyes twinkle and sparkle no matter if it's day or night. This is all by God's intricate design. And no one smiles like me. It's mine and God gave it to me. God is living in me. I am beauty. When I smile, God's love illuminates in me.
And the other lyrics that gives me chills reads, " I know God is working so I SMILE." And it can't get any clearer than that. This song felt so good me and to us all. I could feel, see it, and I felt it when I greeted people and gave them hugs. The choirs sung this song three times. The sanctuary was rocking with this renewed and revitalized spirit. It reminded me, no matter what the circumstance God is in control. So chill, rest and be easy. I left church smiling, hugging, loving, giving, forgiving, and I couldn't wait to share my smile.
That is exactly what I did when I went to rehearsal today. I was smiling through the anxiety, uncertainty, excitement, and last minute butterfly fears and I know I must of sent a strong signal
to God. Four days away and we had an AWESOME REHEARSAL and I am convinced it was
because, "I SMILE."
I arrived at church and took my seat shortly after the choir stood to sing their first song,
I Smile by Kirk Franklin. For almost the entire Praise and Worship, I was standing on my feet! Something about that song just touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I know that I do smile but I will admit not often enough. For many years, I've been told: I frown, look too serious, you're unapproachable, angry, evil, mean, disinterested, look like I don't play, I ain't taking no stuff, you want to fight, I'm mad, I'm sad, distant, and look like I'm throwing shade. While sometimes what was perceived was true, what many didn't understand is that I couldn't find enough reasons that could sustain my smile. My smile wasn't long enough for anyone to read. Honestly, my smile has been a burden to hold and I have developed a habit of smile flashing---quick, curt, calculated smirks.
"Today's a new day" as Kirk Franklin's song says. This song was redeeming and it validates my life experiences. It really speaks to the reality that, in life there will be disappointments and things might not always go your way. When I think about it, I have gotten so used to suffering heartaches and emotional trauma that I started to swallow my smile. For the first time, I didn't swallow my smile. I let my smile overtake me. What I learned today is when I don't smile I'm giving up my power and faith in God.
God is always with me, making a way, preparing me, molding me, and maturing me for something greater.
Oooh, what a burden that lifted inside me hearing those words and that infectious melody. It's no longer about the reasons and counting all the blessings that should make me forever happy and free. Nah, forget that because that has never worked for me. Not interested in being guilted into smiling for "fear" I will be called, "ungrateful" nor am I going to grin from ear to ear to make others around me feel "comfortable "and prove that I am part of their team. Nope, that rationale never worked for me; smile because it was the "right thing to do" or the "polite way act." And to tell you the truth, I've never understood or fully embraced the concept of being "politically correct." YUCK. I just don't see the point of trying to squeeze into mainstream and places I clearly don't fit; and if I don't fit what business do I have in maintaining status quo? How does that benefit me? HOW DOES MY SMILE COUNT? Besides, I had always wanted to "keep it real" and only smile for smiling sake. I want to smile because I'm healed, healthy, happy, whole, and I am at peace because I am wealthy, prosperous and successful.
Hearing this song today and learning the words really changed my perspective. I totally revised my narrative on smiling today. These song lyrics really gave me new life and I felt my relationship with God deepen. These are the two lines that helped open my eyes: one, "You look so much better when you smile ..." and I know I've heard that before. I really never believed it, not really, and it didn't help hearing it in the same context. To me the phrase always sounded like a cheap pick up line, especially at the bodega. It was just so hard to accept and believe and harder when the person saying those words was a total stranger but you know when I think about it, it's true no matter who says it or the circumstance. Why was I fighting it ? For many reasons: because I could, to block, to dismiss, I was afraid. Now, I see that is still not a good enough excuse? How can I not look so much better when I smile?
God made me in his image and that smile is the light he has within me. Finally, I understand what the song, This Little Light of Mine is all about. I always thought the "light" they were describing was something internal not external. But, now I am starting to see the divine connection and how smiling internally connects to the external physicality and how it projects on our faces and what we actually see. I am starting to trace the flow of love from God to me. God's love embarrasses me; floods me with joy, my laugh lines curl, my cheek bones swerve, my lips spread, my teeth shine, my eyes twinkle and sparkle no matter if it's day or night. This is all by God's intricate design. And no one smiles like me. It's mine and God gave it to me. God is living in me. I am beauty. When I smile, God's love illuminates in me.
And the other lyrics that gives me chills reads, " I know God is working so I SMILE." And it can't get any clearer than that. This song felt so good me and to us all. I could feel, see it, and I felt it when I greeted people and gave them hugs. The choirs sung this song three times. The sanctuary was rocking with this renewed and revitalized spirit. It reminded me, no matter what the circumstance God is in control. So chill, rest and be easy. I left church smiling, hugging, loving, giving, forgiving, and I couldn't wait to share my smile.
That is exactly what I did when I went to rehearsal today. I was smiling through the anxiety, uncertainty, excitement, and last minute butterfly fears and I know I must of sent a strong signal
to God. Four days away and we had an AWESOME REHEARSAL and I am convinced it was
because, "I SMILE."
Saturday, March 26, 2011
5 Days Away I Replenished In a Different Way
Today, I woke up to a busy day. I had rehearsal for another project and then I just planned to rest. However, I indulged in my every other Saturday morning ritual. I always like to call home and check in with my brother on the weekends he has the twins. He is a truly a loving Dad, he engages his children to think and ask question. I love the ease of their relationship and enjoy listening to their talks. They are always preparing for a great adventure.
I was so happy to hear they were coming into the city after their dance class. They were going to the Museum of Natural History. It sounded so exciting and you know what, my little girl wanted to play. I remember Saturdays when I was kid. It was chock full of activities, bowling, dance, shopping, and family visits and day trips. I just thought I would invite myself and tag along for the experience. I even decided to call my God-daughter and she brought her girlfriend and we made an afternoon of it.
Dinosaurs, birds, big horned sheep, wolverines, boars, flying things, creepy things and crawling things. I think we all fell in love with the discovery and the excitement of not knowing. I think that was the best thing we got rid of all expectation and that made it special. I was in awe of God and his creation. There are so many details in life that we often miss because we don't think that they are important enough to exist. They do exist and for a reason. Watching the world through the eyes of these glowing children my faith in their future and mine was redeemed. What a way to spend my day! Five days away from the play and it was their laughter, their innocence, their curiosity, their energy that replenished me and I had the such a wonderful day.
I was so happy to hear they were coming into the city after their dance class. They were going to the Museum of Natural History. It sounded so exciting and you know what, my little girl wanted to play. I remember Saturdays when I was kid. It was chock full of activities, bowling, dance, shopping, and family visits and day trips. I just thought I would invite myself and tag along for the experience. I even decided to call my God-daughter and she brought her girlfriend and we made an afternoon of it.
Dinosaurs, birds, big horned sheep, wolverines, boars, flying things, creepy things and crawling things. I think we all fell in love with the discovery and the excitement of not knowing. I think that was the best thing we got rid of all expectation and that made it special. I was in awe of God and his creation. There are so many details in life that we often miss because we don't think that they are important enough to exist. They do exist and for a reason. Watching the world through the eyes of these glowing children my faith in their future and mine was redeemed. What a way to spend my day! Five days away from the play and it was their laughter, their innocence, their curiosity, their energy that replenished me and I had the such a wonderful day.
Friday, March 25, 2011
6 DAYS AWAY COMMIT TO HUMILITY
This morning, I'm feeling a little tired, cold, congested, and I can feel the anxiety rising. It's hard to breathe.
In my mind I can envision a solid performance a powerful evening and giving God all the praise. At the same time, I know that with only 6 days away and tech week around the corner there is so much to do. Now that all the parts are crafted and the actions clearly outlined, it's like the more I rehearse the more I discover and the more anxiety it produces.
I really need to turn the television off. Watching the last two days of American Idol really didn't help at all. It was like they are singing for their lives and I certainly can relate. This is their moment and they are doing everything they can to make America love them to stay on the show. In the past, I would be just as critical and crude as some of the judges. As much as I can appreciate honest critique now I understand that there is a difference between critiquing the craft and casting out a dream. Trust me I see the danger and try hard not too get involved in the blocking blessings business. It's actually a boomerang business. The minute you put that negative word, shady side grin, evil thought out there, that energy, " that thang" will aim right back at you, cutting off your neck and knocking you to your knees. It's dangerous, infectious, and so incredibly contagious and it comes from a defensive place. It comes from that "would of should of could of but you didn't syndrome and I am mad its you instead of me" place. I have been there many times and thank God I had people around me along with my haunting conscience that would wrestle with my spirit and help me take accountability for my choices and not allow me to pity in my pain or make excuses for my fear.
I'm not going to lie I do have a preference as to the styles of singing I most enjoy; I think we all do. What I'm saying is I am maturing and learning it's not all about what I would do because I'm not doing it. But, if I am going to continue to watch these singing and dancing competition shows I must differentiate between style and crafting and delineate skill from scheme. By practicing that I was able to watch the last twenty minutes of the result show last night with a bit more ease, take it light, and be entertained. Yes, and it is difficult to maintain especially when you are a recovering critic. But seriously, what if I forget my lines at my show? I mean, when Christina Aguilera did it singing the National Anthem I threw her all kinds of shade. And I had the nerve to get mad when my friend said "watch I cant't wait for that to happen to you." Oooh, I was tight because he was right, "Where was my forgiveness and compassion? He was right and it was a frightening thought. The moment he said that my heart skipped a few beats and I felt burning in my chest. So maybe what I am feeling today is potential karma or the karmic playback. Either way, I have to be easy and remind myself, " it's not Showtime at the Apollo" stop booing souls off the stage. It's hard because sometimes it's fun to throw shade. but I have to be careful and ask that moralistic question, " How would I feel if that was me? If I have one off or "pitchy" performance does that mean, I should get booed too?"
Six days away from my one and only performance I better check myself constantly. The reality is, I have one night only, on a stage on a Broadway Street. This performance is not about me it's about raising money for Haitian women and young girls who have been victims of violence, hate, and rape since the tragic earthquake and I dare to say before then. This performance is all about helping others.. So, thank you American Idol for making me get clear. Did you catch that? I certainly did; in the beginning I basically was blaming and making excuses. I was saying that American Idol was the "enemy" it was the reason I woke up feeling this anxiety. NO, just STOP IT! I'm not even going to call myself out of my name. Just stop it and decide from now on: "Whether I engage the TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter, Google, TMZ, or my friends, you name it, on or off I have to acknowledge all gifts that are shared and all the dreams being lived and dreamt. " Then that is when I can truly embrace God in every performance and experience God's anointing. These are the performers who simply breathe and you believe. Starting today, I am really committed to HUMILITY. With all this said, it has become clearer what I desire for me. Ultimately, I want God's anointing. When I breathe I want to manifest all my possibilities.
In my mind I can envision a solid performance a powerful evening and giving God all the praise. At the same time, I know that with only 6 days away and tech week around the corner there is so much to do. Now that all the parts are crafted and the actions clearly outlined, it's like the more I rehearse the more I discover and the more anxiety it produces.
I really need to turn the television off. Watching the last two days of American Idol really didn't help at all. It was like they are singing for their lives and I certainly can relate. This is their moment and they are doing everything they can to make America love them to stay on the show. In the past, I would be just as critical and crude as some of the judges. As much as I can appreciate honest critique now I understand that there is a difference between critiquing the craft and casting out a dream. Trust me I see the danger and try hard not too get involved in the blocking blessings business. It's actually a boomerang business. The minute you put that negative word, shady side grin, evil thought out there, that energy, " that thang" will aim right back at you, cutting off your neck and knocking you to your knees. It's dangerous, infectious, and so incredibly contagious and it comes from a defensive place. It comes from that "would of should of could of but you didn't syndrome and I am mad its you instead of me" place. I have been there many times and thank God I had people around me along with my haunting conscience that would wrestle with my spirit and help me take accountability for my choices and not allow me to pity in my pain or make excuses for my fear.
I'm not going to lie I do have a preference as to the styles of singing I most enjoy; I think we all do. What I'm saying is I am maturing and learning it's not all about what I would do because I'm not doing it. But, if I am going to continue to watch these singing and dancing competition shows I must differentiate between style and crafting and delineate skill from scheme. By practicing that I was able to watch the last twenty minutes of the result show last night with a bit more ease, take it light, and be entertained. Yes, and it is difficult to maintain especially when you are a recovering critic. But seriously, what if I forget my lines at my show? I mean, when Christina Aguilera did it singing the National Anthem I threw her all kinds of shade. And I had the nerve to get mad when my friend said "watch I cant't wait for that to happen to you." Oooh, I was tight because he was right, "Where was my forgiveness and compassion? He was right and it was a frightening thought. The moment he said that my heart skipped a few beats and I felt burning in my chest. So maybe what I am feeling today is potential karma or the karmic playback. Either way, I have to be easy and remind myself, " it's not Showtime at the Apollo" stop booing souls off the stage. It's hard because sometimes it's fun to throw shade. but I have to be careful and ask that moralistic question, " How would I feel if that was me? If I have one off or "pitchy" performance does that mean, I should get booed too?"
Six days away from my one and only performance I better check myself constantly. The reality is, I have one night only, on a stage on a Broadway Street. This performance is not about me it's about raising money for Haitian women and young girls who have been victims of violence, hate, and rape since the tragic earthquake and I dare to say before then. This performance is all about helping others.. So, thank you American Idol for making me get clear. Did you catch that? I certainly did; in the beginning I basically was blaming and making excuses. I was saying that American Idol was the "enemy" it was the reason I woke up feeling this anxiety. NO, just STOP IT! I'm not even going to call myself out of my name. Just stop it and decide from now on: "Whether I engage the TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter, Google, TMZ, or my friends, you name it, on or off I have to acknowledge all gifts that are shared and all the dreams being lived and dreamt. " Then that is when I can truly embrace God in every performance and experience God's anointing. These are the performers who simply breathe and you believe. Starting today, I am really committed to HUMILITY. With all this said, it has become clearer what I desire for me. Ultimately, I want God's anointing. When I breathe I want to manifest all my possibilities.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
7 Days AWAY UNTIL THE PLAY AND NOW IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME!
This morning I breathed in something sweet. I was strolling tall, feet planted firmly as I strutted down the street reciting the lines from my monologue. This time I had a different swag with a rhythmic switch because. I was genuinely happy. For the very first time I felt myself flirting with me. Wow, I'm actually making the connection, "to be in a play you actually have to play." I was smiling. I was that little girl all over again who played pretend in her room, who used her dresser for the check-out counter at the department store. The little girl who used Kleenex tissue and tape for diapers for her baby doll. The little girl who slept in the comfort of her own room, in a queen size canopy bed, on a silky pink, peach with hints of lime green embroidered bedspread with a million butterflies flying over top of me. I was always flying high and feeling good.
And I could I dream. I dreamed of everything; there was no one I couldn't be and every time I thought I couldn't I had whole parents and a big brother to guide me and to instill confidence in me. I knew God was real then and that all I had were gifts from him. So you see there was a time I really LIKED ME! I really LOVED ME! And I knew I was capable of LOVING, GIVING., and LIKING ME! It's all coming back to me. I know love I've touched it and tasted it and you know I felt it, I live because of it. I'm HERE. So thank you God for entrusting my parents with me and my gifts. They did tell me all the time and maybe God I just stopped listening. Yeah, I did. In so many words this is what my parents have always said and still say until this day, " ERIKA YOU CAN, YOU ARE ALLOWED, BECOME YOUR DREAMS." Thank you God....and now it's all coming back to me....
And I could I dream. I dreamed of everything; there was no one I couldn't be and every time I thought I couldn't I had whole parents and a big brother to guide me and to instill confidence in me. I knew God was real then and that all I had were gifts from him. So you see there was a time I really LIKED ME! I really LOVED ME! And I knew I was capable of LOVING, GIVING., and LIKING ME! It's all coming back to me. I know love I've touched it and tasted it and you know I felt it, I live because of it. I'm HERE. So thank you God for entrusting my parents with me and my gifts. They did tell me all the time and maybe God I just stopped listening. Yeah, I did. In so many words this is what my parents have always said and still say until this day, " ERIKA YOU CAN, YOU ARE ALLOWED, BECOME YOUR DREAMS." Thank you God....and now it's all coming back to me....
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
8 Days Away From Doing What I Was Born To Do
Today I woke up with an overwhelming desire to forgive. Forgive everybody and everything that has ever happened in my life. I am starting to believe that this should be my daily ritual. If I think back to all the times I was hurt, rejected, reduced, belittled, teased, berated, embarrassed somehow I always found fault with others. It was this one or that one that discouraged me. I am not saying that this wasn't my truth at the time, it was. But, as I rehearse the lines from my Vagina Monologue over and over in my head I am starting to ask myself why did I, do I, continue to rehearse the most painful places in my mind?
Why am I choosing to cast myself in a constant nightmare or a sequel play? Why do I find myself always playing the director, the star and every supporting role I can think of? This is my one-woman show, my one-woman mantra and what makes it even more disturbing is I either only invite myself or drag someone along blindly in the night. I kidnap them, blindfold them and make them journey to a place to hear the most excruciating sounds one could ever make. It is like I am scratching my nails on a chalk board the and screeching sound never stops. Then, just before curtain, I whisper to myself or over to my blindfolded guest, " Aren't you glad you came?" And before any response, the performance has ended and I of course bow, applaud, give a standing ovation, throw roses, sign autographs, pop champagne, and do photo ops. I'm not even sure if my guest found their way home or not and I don't care because, " I am a great friend and anyone would be grateful to have me as their friend because I invited them to this play and they got to sit in the front row." Now that's scary. Very scary.
I don't know but there is something about standing up in front of a large audience commanding a crowd that can be quite empty if in my heart I never once acknowledged my wrongs, my imperfections, my missteps, and said. "I am sorry, I was out of my mind., what was I thinking, forgive me." Well, now I know what I was thinking: I was thinking Too MUCH. I was Too busy thinking my thoughts, MY thoughts, MY silent narratives that haunt, shade, and distort every situation and make it evil.
Yesterday, a friend of mine described today's weather forecast as a "wintry mix." This description resonated with me this morning as I listened to the hail and rain lying in my bed making a list of people I would forgive today. Then, I thought that is exactly what the process of forgiveness is for me. It is a "wintry mix" of emotions. A cold chill rushes through my body and it stings but once that burning heart sensation subsides I begin to feel light and peaceful in my mind-heart leaving no trace of resistance and pain. So at the top of my forgiveness list is ME! And you know once I named myself there was no need to add anyone else. I found so many subsets of Erika's and alias files that I recovered within me that I lost count..
Yep, I admit I have lots of work to do. I will begin by shutting down these nightmare plays and sequels and absolutely stop reminiscing and telling others about them. They were horrible plays and they may have been historical fiction,now that I am thinking about it. No telling, each time I performed them something was slightly different and a tad bit off. Moments changed, characters were missing, dialogue added, dialogue left out and they probably had to or else how could they remain relevant over the years. Now, I will admit I learned some invaluable life lesson but even that has to evolve. The meaning has to adapt to a larger context, don't you agree? And at the very least the lessons can't paralyze me? I'm done. There is no room for justifying insanity these were awful plays, horrid! I take full responsibility for the productions that I have made out of my blessed life.
This time I am not doing this forgiveness work to be good and perfect but I doing the work so I don't cloud my motives for performing. It's can't be about proving something to someone else not even to me. Performing has to be all about LIVING TRUTHFULLY ..... " doing what I was born to do!" Even if it takes me a life time.............I will forgive......
Why am I choosing to cast myself in a constant nightmare or a sequel play? Why do I find myself always playing the director, the star and every supporting role I can think of? This is my one-woman show, my one-woman mantra and what makes it even more disturbing is I either only invite myself or drag someone along blindly in the night. I kidnap them, blindfold them and make them journey to a place to hear the most excruciating sounds one could ever make. It is like I am scratching my nails on a chalk board the and screeching sound never stops. Then, just before curtain, I whisper to myself or over to my blindfolded guest, " Aren't you glad you came?" And before any response, the performance has ended and I of course bow, applaud, give a standing ovation, throw roses, sign autographs, pop champagne, and do photo ops. I'm not even sure if my guest found their way home or not and I don't care because, " I am a great friend and anyone would be grateful to have me as their friend because I invited them to this play and they got to sit in the front row." Now that's scary. Very scary.
I don't know but there is something about standing up in front of a large audience commanding a crowd that can be quite empty if in my heart I never once acknowledged my wrongs, my imperfections, my missteps, and said. "I am sorry, I was out of my mind., what was I thinking, forgive me." Well, now I know what I was thinking: I was thinking Too MUCH. I was Too busy thinking my thoughts, MY thoughts, MY silent narratives that haunt, shade, and distort every situation and make it evil.
Yesterday, a friend of mine described today's weather forecast as a "wintry mix." This description resonated with me this morning as I listened to the hail and rain lying in my bed making a list of people I would forgive today. Then, I thought that is exactly what the process of forgiveness is for me. It is a "wintry mix" of emotions. A cold chill rushes through my body and it stings but once that burning heart sensation subsides I begin to feel light and peaceful in my mind-heart leaving no trace of resistance and pain. So at the top of my forgiveness list is ME! And you know once I named myself there was no need to add anyone else. I found so many subsets of Erika's and alias files that I recovered within me that I lost count..
Yep, I admit I have lots of work to do. I will begin by shutting down these nightmare plays and sequels and absolutely stop reminiscing and telling others about them. They were horrible plays and they may have been historical fiction,now that I am thinking about it. No telling, each time I performed them something was slightly different and a tad bit off. Moments changed, characters were missing, dialogue added, dialogue left out and they probably had to or else how could they remain relevant over the years. Now, I will admit I learned some invaluable life lesson but even that has to evolve. The meaning has to adapt to a larger context, don't you agree? And at the very least the lessons can't paralyze me? I'm done. There is no room for justifying insanity these were awful plays, horrid! I take full responsibility for the productions that I have made out of my blessed life.
This time I am not doing this forgiveness work to be good and perfect but I doing the work so I don't cloud my motives for performing. It's can't be about proving something to someone else not even to me. Performing has to be all about LIVING TRUTHFULLY ..... " doing what I was born to do!" Even if it takes me a life time.............I will forgive......
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
9 Days Away Until Show Time and I am Feeling GOOD!
So this morning I woke up with so much on my mind. There was so many things that I wanted to make sure I accomplished. For one, I knew I had to get my vocals and diction going and to top the warm-ups off I had to do some emotional range stretching. Yes, today was a rehearsal and sadly will be my last in the comfort of the cozy Chelsea apartment I was so accustomed to performing in. My director, Meredith she ROCKS! She is HONEST and she knows when I was holding back and could detect whether my stumbling over words and memorization, loss of action, or just plain old FEAR! Yes, that is was up until this day. FEAR was the big elephant in the room; talking about my vagina. I know some thesbians would disagree," you are not talking about your vagina," so I guess, I should say the character's vagina. Yeah, whatever, who am I fooling it's mine. All mine. My vagina. I can't hide. As an actor I know I needed to have some personal reference for the character but what better reference than my own VAGINA! You know the more I say this the more it just sounds like another part of me. Not a body part but the secret part of me. The private part of me.
Honestly, this rehearsal process has been challenging. How do you talk about your vagina and invite people like your DAD, your Uncles,and your BROTHER without feeling uneasy? How about the thought of inviting someone who has seen your VAGINA! Okay, and then tell them to pretend not to think about me or my vagina just stay focused on the character and listen intently to what the character is communicating. And to answer your question, "NO, I am not talking about YOU, darling." So those are the fears I had to overcome and yes I am overcoming them every time I perform the piece. I have to surrender....yes I am talking about VAGINA'S, I will say the word, "P word" but only once and I will say the word "WET." And somehow I managed to get over it, myself and what others will think..... because the best part of it all is that I claim it's nature and call it "BEAUTIFUL. I will declare it and I won't be ashamed, it isn't a sinful, dirty, "unladylike" subject. I finally realized it was me that I was talking about it isn't detachable. My VAGINA Is ME! I am not sinful, dirty, or unladylike. I AM BEAUTIFUL!
I am feeling good about it and I have today I had the courage to invite the world to see just how beautiful I am and in essence we all are when we accept ourselves and all that GOD created....now that is truly amazing.....and inspiring...and freeing...and uplifting...and I could go and on and on. Please write along with with me....Fill in the blank. When I accept myself and all that God created I feel________________________.
Honestly, this rehearsal process has been challenging. How do you talk about your vagina and invite people like your DAD, your Uncles,and your BROTHER without feeling uneasy? How about the thought of inviting someone who has seen your VAGINA! Okay, and then tell them to pretend not to think about me or my vagina just stay focused on the character and listen intently to what the character is communicating. And to answer your question, "NO, I am not talking about YOU, darling." So those are the fears I had to overcome and yes I am overcoming them every time I perform the piece. I have to surrender....yes I am talking about VAGINA'S, I will say the word, "P word" but only once and I will say the word "WET." And somehow I managed to get over it, myself and what others will think..... because the best part of it all is that I claim it's nature and call it "BEAUTIFUL. I will declare it and I won't be ashamed, it isn't a sinful, dirty, "unladylike" subject. I finally realized it was me that I was talking about it isn't detachable. My VAGINA Is ME! I am not sinful, dirty, or unladylike. I AM BEAUTIFUL!
I am feeling good about it and I have today I had the courage to invite the world to see just how beautiful I am and in essence we all are when we accept ourselves and all that GOD created....now that is truly amazing.....and inspiring...and freeing...and uplifting...and I could go and on and on. Please write along with with me....Fill in the blank. When I accept myself and all that God created I feel________________________.
Monday, March 21, 2011
10 days To Somethng Wonderful
What an awesome morning to arise from a restless slumber. I look at Twitter to see how my people are fairing in the world. I was so thrilled to hear that a new friend a divine friend was driving all the way from San Diego to LA. She got the gig that she so needed right now in her life. To say the least I was ecstatic for her. We send texts back and forth and finally she just picked up the phone and called me. I could hear the rain beating on her window shield as she was driving. We talked and shared and praised God for who he his and how things open up if when you just believe. There was so much on my mind and I was just so happy to know that something good was happening for someone I knew; someone who I called a friend. In our our exchange I shared where I was in my career and how I was feeling a bit uncertain and frustrated. As we were speaking she was absolutely right when she identified these feelings of , "not really sure what is next or what is in front of me." Then we spent the next half hour sharing our journeys' and brainstorming all the ways we could become proactive in our possibilities. As she described so powerfully, "sometimes you just have to pull the trigger." And that resonated I am not shooting to kill but I'm killing the fear in my because my aim is to win. So today, I begin breathing new life into my possibility! Thanks you Lady J for speaking into my spirit. Healing words and giving me the courage to share my journey with the world . This blog is my meditation where I will speak life to myself everyday.
10 days to something wonderful! I wonder what that wonderful will be......
10 days to something wonderful! I wonder what that wonderful will be......
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